Loopy from Wisdm teeth

Sorry I didn't post yesterday guys! I was so out of it. Because of being underweight it really affected me. I don't remember anything about after the operation until I got home. I couldn't even walk because the medicine killed my leg muscles! When they were trying to wake me up they kept saying: "Can you see your dad? Can you see his face?" And I finally said "Big nose." And fell asleep again. I also kept waking up randomly and saying "say thank you to everyone!" I guess I was very grateful? lol. So that's my Wisdom teeth story. Other than that I've just been sitting around watching psych and doctor who and trying not to think about all of the blood in my mouth.

Chewing and Spiting......Gross I know

But I thought I would put it out there. It's been really helpful for me because I can't purge. I can taste it and chew chew chew....and then, you know spit it out in a paper towel. It's like skipping the throwing up part of purging....haha, this is such a random post: "Hey guys, spit!" I'm just happy because it saved me from a binge. Opinions? Have you guy's ever done this?

Where are my teeth!!?!?!? Oh yeah, the dentist took them. Happy Chinese New Year btw!

First day of my 65 calorie diet is a WIN! So proud guys. So proud. I'm missing school tomorrow (woot! No IB BIO!) cuz' I'm getting my wisdom teeth out. I was so freaked out about this, just because I'm sick of doctors messing with my teeth. They said they would back off once the braces were gone. Liars. Now I'm actually really excited, I have an excuse to fast for the whole weekend. Bring on the Novocaine!

Happy Chinese New year! :D I'm not Asian but I take an online Chinese course so one of our assignments is to celebrate- and I think you guy's should too! Chinese New Year is based on the idea of cleansing bad omens away and being clear and clean for the New Year. I spent all of yesterday cleaning the whole house (there is not a speck of dust in my room now) and drinking just water and green tea- AND IT FELT SO GREAT! I feel purified.

"Do you do it for the guys?" No. No I don't.

Only a few of my close friends know about my eating disorder. I think maybe five outside of my family and they've known for about a year. But the thing is, I kinda wish that they didn't know now, because people who don't have this disease have no idea what it's like. I was talking to my friend Ann today at lunch and she asked how things were going with my ED, and I was like. "Ok I guess." (she thinks I'm still trying to recover) "I think I may have lost a little weight but I don't think it's enough to be hospitalized again." And she was like: "Why do you do it? Is it for the guys? Because it really isn't attractive." I wanted to slap her!!! What the hell, no that isn't why I stave myself!! Sure, I think my life would be better if I was extremely underweight, that includes my love life, but that isn't even close to why I do it. I tried to explain that it is my coping mechanism, I put all of my effort into it so I don't have to deal with other problems. I am addicted to it, it's a mental disorder not my choice. And she say's: "Well, can't you just stop?" ..... :[ ..... Need I continue? This same friend also pointed out that I'm "totally not the type to have anorexia" I'm just too normal and smart and put together. News flash sweetie, eating disorders don't discriminate. Gah. I guess that just gets to me. I mean honestly, doesn't it get to you guy's when people do that? My friends who don't know about my ED are always joke: "anorexic airheads" and "She's so gross I bet she's Bulimic."

My new plan!

I had a huge panic attack last night, I was so disgusted with my body. I need to get under 100 pounds, I've been trapped at 101 for weeks. SO, new plan. Starting tomorrow- my parents watch me, and it's a snow day so I can't get out of eating almost every meal :(.  -February 3rd.  I will be 95 pounds by  February 11, and I will be 90 pounds by the 25th. I want to go down to about 88 pounds to be safe, and then I will start working my way up to 800 calories to maintain. Here is my menu:

Breakfast: Tea (Green tea), gum
Lunch: Gum (basically, I can have as much gum as needed)
Snack: Tea, Gum, 2 pickles- 5 calories each
Dinner: (This must be around 5-6 pm) 1 veggie dog- NO BUN- w/fresh salsa and mustard- 50 calories
After dinner- Tea, gum

All together this is a 60 calorie day. *crosses fingers* This is very little. The least I've been able to do is 100 calories a day, but for some reason this magical thing happened- I don't get hungry anymore. So this should be good. :)

This Song expresses exactly my relationship with Anorexia

Sixpence none the richer- Breath your name

Seriously guys, listen too it...The lyrics....they just fit. Ignore the creepy music video.

"You move my mind from behind the wheel, when I loose control I can only breathe your name."

Giant Snow storm....

Giant snow storm tomorrow. We're supposed to get over two feet. Snow dayyy!! :D Hopefully I'll be fasting tomorrow, I'll just curl up with a book and "forget" to eat. I'm started to feel the pressure. We're going to Mexico in May, so Bathing suits are required.