FIrst day of Work

Ironically, it's probably the one place an anorexic would feel the most uncomfortable.....A bakery. But it's fun, and it's will by me a car (sent in for my license last Friday) I'll take what I can get right? My last final is on Monday, then its summer! Finally! I haven't weighted myself, I don't know if I will anytime soon....unless I'm sure I lost weight. It just hurts way too much. I think somethings up with my anti-depressants, I'm pretty sure this isn't supposed to happen.

Lemonaid Diet

I've been fallowing my rules this week, and I'm proud of that. But I'm not loosing anything. I found this "master cleanse/Lemonaid diet" thing online:

• 2 tablespoons fresh-squeezed lemon juice.
• 2 tablespoons grade-B organic maple syrup.
• 1/10 teaspoon cayenne pepper.
• 10 ounces filtered water.

You drink six of these a day and eat nothing.....interesting? It doesn't sound very good to be honest. But the 20 pounds in 10 days. Hmmmmm. That would be nice.

It hurts too much  to live. I want to cut off my fat. I just want ot go to bed and never wake up. It hurts so much.

God, I had a weird day....

First day back since my vacation and it was SO STRESSFUL. God. I had a mini freak out because of complications involving my summer college classes. And I missed: Two drug searches, four senior pranks that caused evacuations, a car accident involving a friend.... and a huge mess involving my ex. I broke it off quick because I was afraid of being in a relationship and dealing with Anorexia at the same time. I couldn't tell him about it...but it's such a big part of my life so you can't get close to me without knowing about it. I mean, I still like him though despite it. We're friends for now, and he still wants to try and work it out eventually. So he did something stupid. While I was gone he went to a friends Prom as her date, then afterward they went back to her house with a group and got so drunk that he bordered on alcohol Poisoning. I mean shot after shot of straight vodka. This is a guy who never drinks much. Then they hooked up, and she might be pregnant (and it turns out she lives like right next to my house). >:( Then he almost died when he drove home drunk. People suck so much. I hate them ALL!!! Apparently he didn't want me to know (even though everyone else did!!!) but it slipped out. So pissed. So very pissed. He let me punch him though. So I guess that's nice. I don't know. Maybe I'm over reacting.

I better have lost some weight, I stuck to all of my new rules. SO PROUD OF MYSELF :D. I only ate fruit and a bit of soup.

What Triggers you?

Because I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I know that some people don't get triggered easily, but everything triggers me. The mention of calories or Weightloss on TV (or by anyone for that matter), a Skinny Girl, even a Skinny guy, anything about EDs, anything about weight measurements or even height. Saying "Fat" Around me, even directed at someone else, will set me off and I won't be able to eat anything. EVERYTHING. Blah.

Phobia's

 A while ago I did a post about a phobia I have, that apparently a lot of other people have too: Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old. I've been thinking about it a lot because I just turned 17, which really kinda bothers me. 18 is just too close. I'm going to move out, go to college.....I don't want an adult life. I act like I do with all of my school work, but I don't want to be another person, who has a boring office job, and never leaves the town they were born in....I just can't do that. 

Anyway. I made a list of all of the other phobia's I have and I bolded the ones that I think contribute to my Anorexia, can you guy's relate to them? I think they're common with ED's. Here's the link to the phobia website: http://phobialist.com/

Aichmophobia- Fear of Needles/shots

Aracnophobia- fear of spiders

Athazagoraphobia- Fear of Being forgotten, or ignored

Atychiphobia- fear of failure

Bacteriophobia- Fear of bacteria.
Catagelophobia- Fear of being ridiculed. 

Chronophobia- Fear of time. 

Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.

Decidophobia- Fear of making decisions.

Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting. (Yet I purge) 

Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.    

Menophobia- Fear of having a period

And I just thought this one was funny:

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- Fear of long words.  

My New Rules

Forbidden foods:
1. Sweets (no point in them- no nutritional value)
2. Bread
3. Dairy products (particularly butter, milk, and especially CHEESE!! NO CHEESE!!! Eggs and are an exception)
4. Pasta
5. Fried food
6. Salt

I will never eat these again. Ever.

Foods I can eat:

-Fruits and Veggies
- eggs (no more than two a day)
- salsa & pickles
- 20 calorie soup
- 4 crackers a day if needed
- gum
-zero calorie lemonaid

At most I can have 200 calories a day. I'm aiming for 20. I will burn off at least 500 calories everyday anyway, plus as many calories I eat. Every time I break a rule I will cut deeply in a very visible spot. That gives a lot more incentive because I don't like people to see the marks. I want to be 90 pounds by June 15th, and if I make it I can get a new piercing.

New rules. I have to get things right this time, or I will end up killing myself.

                                                            I will gladly die for this.

Sorry this post is so boring, I just had to write this down so I can't hide from it. I'm on the edge of a cliff and I have to make this work.