Summer goals

What are yours? I saw a post on PT about this and I love it. I've been stressing out so much, it makes me feel better just to write them down.

1. finish my Chinese course (and get my schedule ready for senior year).
2. edit my novel- (and send it to the editor)
3. get my license (and a car)
4. Get a job.
5. Loose 15-ish pounds and get tiny legs. 
6. To stop cutting for good!!!
7. Feel happy again.

Song- Listen please

One of the two girls at the camping trip just sent this to me one facebook. I wish I had talked to my friends about it sooner because I feel so much better. I want all of you to listen to this because this applies to everyone of you. I read so many blog posts and meet so many people on PT, that make me so sad bacause they can't see how wonderful they are.
Jojo- Exceptional

Had an amazing revelation

I got so much exercise during the trip I must have lost at least two pounds. It was so beautiful on the island- it was just incredible. Despite the fact that I broke down and told two long time friends about my ED (Kinda, I just said I had a lot of food issues). It was like 3 in the morning and we were sitting by the water and talking. Somehow the discussion of Body image and Media, and "horror of modern weight expectation." And I burst into tears. I love them though, so it's okay. ANYWAY. I was looking at pictures of the trip on Facebook, and (being so extremely tired) I found a picture of a girl (profile view) standing on the rocks and filming the water. I was so excited because she was so thin, I thought she was perfect. And I spent over five minute's trying to figure out who she was before I finally realized, it was me.

Summer!!!

It doesn't really feel like it yet. I still have to finish my online Chinese class. Also finalizing my schedule for next year. Next year I only have to go to High School Every other day- the other day has two online courses, a college course, and a apprenticeship program with a local Childs Occupational Therapist (trying to decide my future :P ). I'm going camping on Saturday with a huge group of friends to kick off the summer. Two day's of noooo food!!! :) I've actually been doing really good. Fallowing the rules, and I don't feel hungry most of the time. I just feel so fat. I scheduled a doctors appointment to discuss my antidepressants and switching them. I also have to admit- I've been cutting so much. Usually I just cut my stomach and thighs (easier to hide) But I've been getting careless and I tore up my arms and legs. My dad noticed- he looked so sad. I felt so bad for it. I've been coming up with so many excuses that work on everyone else... but he knows me. I just wish I wasn't such a disappointment. I think he hates me.

FIrst day of Work

Ironically, it's probably the one place an anorexic would feel the most uncomfortable.....A bakery. But it's fun, and it's will by me a car (sent in for my license last Friday) I'll take what I can get right? My last final is on Monday, then its summer! Finally! I haven't weighted myself, I don't know if I will anytime soon....unless I'm sure I lost weight. It just hurts way too much. I think somethings up with my anti-depressants, I'm pretty sure this isn't supposed to happen.

Lemonaid Diet

I've been fallowing my rules this week, and I'm proud of that. But I'm not loosing anything. I found this "master cleanse/Lemonaid diet" thing online:

• 2 tablespoons fresh-squeezed lemon juice.
• 2 tablespoons grade-B organic maple syrup.
• 1/10 teaspoon cayenne pepper.
• 10 ounces filtered water.

You drink six of these a day and eat nothing.....interesting? It doesn't sound very good to be honest. But the 20 pounds in 10 days. Hmmmmm. That would be nice.

It hurts too much  to live. I want to cut off my fat. I just want ot go to bed and never wake up. It hurts so much.