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Friday, October 21, 2011

Update on life

I got a new job, at a market close by. I started my senior year: IB English, AP psychology, and two college courses. Plus college apps. I want to major Occupational Therapy, and minor in Concert Violin. I've been looking at a few colleges Universities. My GPA is really low from the one and a half years I spent in and out the the hospital (2.9-3.0 ish). I want to transfer after my first year. Whatever.

I got a car!

Subaru Impreza 2010. I loveee it. I was in recovery for the summer- look how fat I got! :(

I thought I was okay for a while. I still don't want to be sad. But I want to be thin really bad. College stuff is really stressing me out. I just feel terrible. And my stomach is used to food now so it's hard to starve. I just don't know how to NOT be anorexic. I don't feel like myself if I'm not restricting. I should have been coming on here more ( I just was afraid I would be triggered- too late, oh well.) You guy's have always been so amazing, I'm going to catch up on reading everyone's blogs I promise!

I got a puppy: Her name is Sobie. She's a white German Shepard.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Finally Back after a long break

Hi guys!
I was so afraid to come on here for the past few months because I was feeling better for a while. This wasn't my complete focus for once in two years, and that was nice. It still isn't I guess, but I am leaning more towards my old habits. Schoolwork is so stressful, and college apps....god. I just.....I need the structure and focus in my life that anorexia gives me, you know? It makes everything easier for me. So, I've started eating a lot less. I've been doing Zumba a few times a week. It feels so great, I forgot how great anorexia feels.

Okay I have to post these Amanda Nørgaard is my Idol:

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Summer goals

What are yours? I saw a post on PT about this and I love it. I've been stressing out so much, it makes me feel better just to write them down.

1. finish my Chinese course (and get my schedule ready for senior year).
2. edit my novel- (and send it to the editor)
3. get my license (and a car)
4. Get a job.
5. Loose 15-ish pounds and get tiny legs
6. To stop cutting for good!!!
7. Feel happy again.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Song- Listen please

One of the two girls at the camping trip just sent this to me one facebook. I wish I had talked to my friends about it sooner because I feel so much better. I want all of you to listen to this because this applies to everyone of you. I read so many blog posts and meet so many people on PT, that make me so sad bacause they can't see how wonderful they are.
Jojo- Exceptional

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Had an amazing revelation

I got so much exercise during the trip I must have lost at least two pounds. It was so beautiful on the island- it was just incredible. Despite the fact that I broke down and told two long time friends about my ED (Kinda, I just said I had a lot of food issues). It was like 3 in the morning and we were sitting by the water and talking. Somehow the discussion of Body image and Media, and "horror of modern weight expectation." And I burst into tears. I love them though, so it's okay. ANYWAY. I was looking at pictures of the trip on Facebook, and (being so extremely tired) I found a picture of a girl (profile view) standing on the rocks and filming the water. I was so excited because she was so thin, I thought she was perfect. And I spent over five minute's trying to figure out who she was before I finally realized, it was me.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


It doesn't really feel like it yet. I still have to finish my online Chinese class. Also finalizing my schedule for next year. Next year I only have to go to High School Every other day- the other day has two online courses, a college course, and a apprenticeship program with a local Childs Occupational Therapist (trying to decide my future :P ). I'm going camping on Saturday with a huge group of friends to kick off the summer. Two day's of noooo food!!! :) I've actually been doing really good. Fallowing the rules, and I don't feel hungry most of the time. I just feel so fat. I scheduled a doctors appointment to discuss my antidepressants and switching them. I also have to admit- I've been cutting so much. Usually I just cut my stomach and thighs (easier to hide) But I've been getting careless and I tore up my arms and legs. My dad noticed- he looked so sad. I felt so bad for it. I've been coming up with so many excuses that work on everyone else... but he knows me. I just wish I wasn't such a disappointment. I think he hates me.