God, I had a weird day....

First day back since my vacation and it was SO STRESSFUL. God. I had a mini freak out because of complications involving my summer college classes. And I missed: Two drug searches, four senior pranks that caused evacuations, a car accident involving a friend.... and a huge mess involving my ex. I broke it off quick because I was afraid of being in a relationship and dealing with Anorexia at the same time. I couldn't tell him about it...but it's such a big part of my life so you can't get close to me without knowing about it. I mean, I still like him though despite it. We're friends for now, and he still wants to try and work it out eventually. So he did something stupid. While I was gone he went to a friends Prom as her date, then afterward they went back to her house with a group and got so drunk that he bordered on alcohol Poisoning. I mean shot after shot of straight vodka. This is a guy who never drinks much. Then they hooked up, and she might be pregnant (and it turns out she lives like right next to my house). >:( Then he almost died when he drove home drunk. People suck so much. I hate them ALL!!! Apparently he didn't want me to know (even though everyone else did!!!) but it slipped out. So pissed. So very pissed. He let me punch him though. So I guess that's nice. I don't know. Maybe I'm over reacting.

I better have lost some weight, I stuck to all of my new rules. SO PROUD OF MYSELF :D. I only ate fruit and a bit of soup.

What Triggers you?

Because I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I know that some people don't get triggered easily, but everything triggers me. The mention of calories or Weightloss on TV (or by anyone for that matter), a Skinny Girl, even a Skinny guy, anything about EDs, anything about weight measurements or even height. Saying "Fat" Around me, even directed at someone else, will set me off and I won't be able to eat anything. EVERYTHING. Blah.

Phobia's

 A while ago I did a post about a phobia I have, that apparently a lot of other people have too: Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old. I've been thinking about it a lot because I just turned 17, which really kinda bothers me. 18 is just too close. I'm going to move out, go to college.....I don't want an adult life. I act like I do with all of my school work, but I don't want to be another person, who has a boring office job, and never leaves the town they were born in....I just can't do that. 

Anyway. I made a list of all of the other phobia's I have and I bolded the ones that I think contribute to my Anorexia, can you guy's relate to them? I think they're common with ED's. Here's the link to the phobia website: http://phobialist.com/

Aichmophobia- Fear of Needles/shots

Aracnophobia- fear of spiders

Athazagoraphobia- Fear of Being forgotten, or ignored

Atychiphobia- fear of failure

Bacteriophobia- Fear of bacteria.
Catagelophobia- Fear of being ridiculed. 

Chronophobia- Fear of time. 

Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.

Decidophobia- Fear of making decisions.

Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting. (Yet I purge) 

Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.    

Menophobia- Fear of having a period

And I just thought this one was funny:

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- Fear of long words.  

My New Rules

Forbidden foods:
1. Sweets (no point in them- no nutritional value)
2. Bread
3. Dairy products (particularly butter, milk, and especially CHEESE!! NO CHEESE!!! Eggs and are an exception)
4. Pasta
5. Fried food
6. Salt

I will never eat these again. Ever.

Foods I can eat:

-Fruits and Veggies
- eggs (no more than two a day)
- salsa & pickles
- 20 calorie soup
- 4 crackers a day if needed
- gum
-zero calorie lemonaid

At most I can have 200 calories a day. I'm aiming for 20. I will burn off at least 500 calories everyday anyway, plus as many calories I eat. Every time I break a rule I will cut deeply in a very visible spot. That gives a lot more incentive because I don't like people to see the marks. I want to be 90 pounds by June 15th, and if I make it I can get a new piercing.

New rules. I have to get things right this time, or I will end up killing myself.

                                                            I will gladly die for this.

Sorry this post is so boring, I just had to write this down so I can't hide from it. I'm on the edge of a cliff and I have to make this work.

So sorry I haven't updated for a while!!!!

I've just been feeling really awful, I couldn't bare to think too much. Living just hurts lately. I'm always so relieved to fall asleep that I don't want to wake up. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself. I don't know how much more I can take of living in dread. I can't weight myself, because the weight hasn't changed and I'll just end up cutting myself because of it. I keep thinking about how I would do it. I think I would take a bunch of pills and go up to the old tree house we used to play at when we were kids. I'd go when the sun was just setting and the peeper frogs were starting to sing. I can't think of anything more peaceful. It's all speculation though. I couldn't do that to my family. To my dad. That's how he lost his mom when he was a kid. At least I can explain why I'm this way, right? It's genetics that screwed me up. I hate it. I'm constantly afraid that he see's her every time he looks at me. A person who caused him so much pain, come back in his daughter to cause the pain all over again. He's such a good guy, I feel guilty for existing and putting him through so much hell. I try not to involve my parents, but it's inevitable.

I've been gone the past week- we went on a cruise to the Bahamas, then we hung out at universal studios and Cocoa beach in Florida. I got such a deep tan that it's still really shocking to look in the mirror. It was nice. I was gone for my birthday, so I was excited that I didn't have a cake to deal with. Not so lucky. They got a huge one to make up for it. Guess what I wished for when I blew out the candles? What I wanted more than anything else? To be 90 pounds. I hate anorexia, I really do. When your life revolves around numbers, and your self worth is in pounds.....I wish I was dead most of the time.

Anyway...moving on. I also want to thank all of you. The fact that some of you read my posts, or are at least there to hear makes things so much easier. I thought when I made this blog that I was just going to be talking to myself, but every time I see a comment it's a relief. I'm not quiet sure how to respond to comments, but I read them and I'll figure it out. I also read everyone's blogs, I'm just such an awkward person with words that sometimes don't comment (afraid I'll make myself sound stupid) but I promise I'll try. Thank you guy's so much for being there.

Feeling Miserable

I can't describe how awful I've felt lately. I mean, Prozac has never let me to feel this way. I'm just not interested in anything. I just want to sleep. I'm cutting more then usual because I feel so awful about everything. The pain in my heart is back. And nothing has happened. Literally, nothing, I eat under 100 calories a day and I haven't lost any weight. I feel almost suicidal. I just don't want to wake up most of the time. Ugh. What's up with me. I want to weight 90 pounds, I only have three weeks to loose ten pounds.

Do you guy's ever feel like you're living a double life? I have really close friends who still think of me as a happy person, a musician, an honor student. That's how they define me. I can't comprehend that, because what would they do if they knew the truth? What if there happy friend turned to them and said: Oh yeah, I have Anorexia Nervosa. And OCD. And I cut myself. A lot. ("my cat" didn't attack me, I don't even have a cat!!!). Last month I didn't go to the movies with you guys because I cut my wrists so deep they thought it was attempted suicide (well, it was) and had to hang out at the hospital. I'm only happy because I'm on some serious anti-depressants. They make fun of EDs and prozac......everything I deal with everyday and they would never suspect. No, not Cal. Never Cal.

I'm sooooo tired right now. So I'm going to go to bed before I ramble on anymore. I'm going to get some posts with actual purpose up soon, promise. I hope you all are well!

Volunteering at the Soup Kitchen and Animal Shelter

Hey guys, Long time no post, sorry.

As I may have mentioned in other posts, I do a lot of volunteer work. My life feels like it's worth nothing. If I died tomorrow it wouldn't matter. So to cope with that I volunteer a lot. My life is worth 5 hours a week at the animal shelter, 3 hours a month at the soup kitchen, a large box of child's shoes for the children suffering from poverty in Guatemala, etc. That's my trying to weigh my life not in pounds, but in hours. It works sometimes. Working at the soup kitchen is life shaking. So many people lines up so they can have a cup of soup and some bread. Some of them you wouldn't even think would go there, and some extremely mentally ill. There were only 6 kids. I thought there were five because there was a little boy helping us serve, but then when we were done he ran over and sat next to his family to have dinner. It's funny, because while they struggle to have enough food, if I was given the dinner they had I would throw it out. Too many calories for me to handle. How sad is that? I felt awful. How much food have I wasted in the past years?

I think the only time I really seriously thought I had to recover was from the animal shelter. We get a lot of dogs from down south that are abused and neglected. The first time I met one was Nemo. He was only about two. His bones were sticking through his skin, it looked horrifying. But if I had seen that look on a human I might had envied them. And he was so scared of us, he wouldn't eat anything. They lied and said he would be fine, they didn't want to upset me. He died a few days later: "He was just too far gone." They said. How long before there saying that about me?