So sorry I haven't updated for a while!!!!

I've just been feeling really awful, I couldn't bare to think too much. Living just hurts lately. I'm always so relieved to fall asleep that I don't want to wake up. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself. I don't know how much more I can take of living in dread. I can't weight myself, because the weight hasn't changed and I'll just end up cutting myself because of it. I keep thinking about how I would do it. I think I would take a bunch of pills and go up to the old tree house we used to play at when we were kids. I'd go when the sun was just setting and the peeper frogs were starting to sing. I can't think of anything more peaceful. It's all speculation though. I couldn't do that to my family. To my dad. That's how he lost his mom when he was a kid. At least I can explain why I'm this way, right? It's genetics that screwed me up. I hate it. I'm constantly afraid that he see's her every time he looks at me. A person who caused him so much pain, come back in his daughter to cause the pain all over again. He's such a good guy, I feel guilty for existing and putting him through so much hell. I try not to involve my parents, but it's inevitable.

I've been gone the past week- we went on a cruise to the Bahamas, then we hung out at universal studios and Cocoa beach in Florida. I got such a deep tan that it's still really shocking to look in the mirror. It was nice. I was gone for my birthday, so I was excited that I didn't have a cake to deal with. Not so lucky. They got a huge one to make up for it. Guess what I wished for when I blew out the candles? What I wanted more than anything else? To be 90 pounds. I hate anorexia, I really do. When your life revolves around numbers, and your self worth is in pounds.....I wish I was dead most of the time.

Anyway...moving on. I also want to thank all of you. The fact that some of you read my posts, or are at least there to hear makes things so much easier. I thought when I made this blog that I was just going to be talking to myself, but every time I see a comment it's a relief. I'm not quiet sure how to respond to comments, but I read them and I'll figure it out. I also read everyone's blogs, I'm just such an awkward person with words that sometimes don't comment (afraid I'll make myself sound stupid) but I promise I'll try. Thank you guy's so much for being there.