Has Eaten nothing today!

Yay! I'm so glad! I feel so good, you know that empty light feeling? I am loving it! I'm still too scared to step on the scale though. If it goes up I'll be upset. If it stays the same I'll be upset. I don't think it's gone down at all, so I don't know. I'm thinking I'll try it on Wednesday.

Movie Night

Going to a friends house tonight, we're having a movie night. I have to make brownies soon for them. Gah. Everyone is going to expect me to eat pizza. I've already eaten way too much today. My dad was home so he made me eat veggie bacon (80 calories) and waffles (gag) and a veggie wrap. I kinda want to bang my head against the wall. Things will be easier when I go back to school. At least them I can skip breakfast and lunch without my parents bothering me. I started looking through my old records today (I collect them and just got a bunch more) and found Bryan Adams, Heart, INXS, and Fleetwood Mac. Win!

The guy that I've loved for a year...

Wow. I think I'm shocked. I don't know what else to do...so I thought I'd make a post. There's this guy: Mat, I've liked him so much for over a year now... So so very much. He's the only guy friend I've trusted with telling him about my anorexia, he's helps so much, I just love him. He's such a great person, I love being with him, we're great friends. He never knew that I liked him. I was the only person that he told who he really liked to, he's loved one of my close friends for years (Jen). They're best friends, and have been for so long. I tried so hard to not care about him. I tried so much, but no matter how many flaws I found it didn't matter, I still liked him all the more for it. I can't help it. Today I was hanging out with Jen, and she told me that she really liked Mat. They both like each other, and they're perfect for one another.... So I told her that he felt the same way and that they should talk to each other about it. So, she said they were going to get together tonight for dinner and talk about their feelings. As much as I like him, as much as it hurts.......I am so happy for them! I am so excited. I want them to be together, because I know how happy that will make him, and I really want him to be happy. Which is so weird. How can I feel both terrible and wonderful about something like this? It doesn't make any sense.

Happy Day

I've had some fruit (30 calories), a veggie dog (45 calories) with salsa (5 calories), and a spoonful of peanut butter (I don't want to think about it) and I'm done for the day- I'm doing a work out tape then I'm going to go volunteer at the animal shelter and finish some homework. Not bad. No carbs. Ever again. That's my plan.

100 calories burned per 5 minutes running up and down the stairs, 136 calories burned for every 8 glasses of ice water.... I think I'm going to concentrate on these to burn off the peanut butter.  God, I scare myself sometimes. After a while of obsession about weight loss, you start to notice that your mind just memorizes all these things. In recovery (to piss my doctor Jane off- I really hated her) I was frustrated because I wanted to know exactly how many calories a "normal person" needs to function without gaining weight. They wouldn't tell be anything, so in return I wanted to show them that they didn't need to tell me anything for my to know how many calories they were forcing into my mouth. So when I was eating I recited everything from memory as I ate "Banana is 110,  Scrambled eggs is 200, calories in whole milk 149 per cup..." Ha, the doctors didn't find it funny like the rest of us did. I mean, we all already knew this stuff, we ended up having a discussion about it. But Jane was like: "It's really twisted that you guy's know this by heart, this is something you need to work through." Ehh, whatever.

BDD and me

Body Dysmorphic disorder. Do I have it? Yeah probably, I just don't think of it like that. I don't think that my vision changes. I see what's really there. By hospital standard I am underweight. I see fat fat fat fat. But I think that my standards are just higher then "healthy" people. What they think is thin, and what I think is thin are completely different. My biggest issue is my thighs. No one can convince my that my thighs aren't ginormous. They just can't.

Too little too much :(

So, in my IB Biology class we were talking about healthy eating....Yeah, it was a little awkward when she starting talking about anorexia, but anyway. Mrs. N was like: "It shouldn't be so hard for people to eat healthy. I love Applebee's, they put the number of calories in each dinner on the menu: Some of them are as low as 500 calories!!!" Back up there. My jaw dropped open, I was horrified. They think that 500 is LOW CALORIE? I think that 100 is way to many. I consider anything under 50 as low calorie. Like, really? Is my perception that messed up? If I eat 500 calories I feel horrible, and I consider the day to be a complete fail. I can't loose weight the normal way like everyone else. They talk about eating 1200 calories a day and loosing weight, that doesn't work for me. I gain if I eat that much, the only way I loose is if I eat less then 200. I think I'm at a plateau- my weight just won't change.....500? Are they crazy?

Woot!

Got mah water bottle. Got mah Mint Orbit gum. Got mah trusty-pain-inducing green rubber band around my wrist. I'm ready to go.