Chicken Legs?

So, there is this one girl at my school, and she is SO thin. She doesn't have an ED, I watch her like a hawk (creeper alert) she's just always been that way. SO THIN! Exactly what I'm striving for. In history class they started talking about her. They called her "Chicken Legs," making fun of her because her thighs are the same size as her calf's. How sad is that? People are disgusted by the one thing I want in life.

:'( Somebody hold me please.

I miss my dog.

I mean, We've had her since I was seven, It seems like we have had her forever. We've lost fish. Hamsters...lots of hamsters. But we never thought that Iris would die. I never thought that it would hurt so much. She's just a dog right? December 9th of this year was when we first noticed something was wrong, and they said she wouldn't last til the end of the week. She didn't. We put her down a few day's later. I slept with her on the floor at night so she wouldn't be alone. I took her for her last walk, and I hugged her sobbing until my dad pulled her away to take for her last trip to the vets. She was happy because she was going for a ride. I remember my mom and I crying, and I screamed as I saw her go out the door, and the car drive away. Seems stupid- I know. I didn't know what else to do, it hurt too much. I cried so much, I couldn't eat a thing for weeks....and no one tried to make me. My tears covered everything, especially the little wooden box they put her ashes in that we put downstairs in the basement, on her bed. The house feels so empty. I miss her so much. It was only three and a half months ago...it seems like it's happening right now, again. I've been dreaming about her a lot lately, I wake up thinking I'm petting her. I read this poem, and I burst into tears.

I'M STILL HERE
I stood beside your bed last night
I came to have a peek
I could see that you were crying
You found it hard to sleep
I whined to you softly
As you brushed away a tear
"It's me, I haven't left you,
I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast
I watched you pour the tea
You were thinking of the many times
Your hands reached down to me
I was with you at the shops today
Your arms were getting sore
I longed to take your parcels
I wish I could do more
I was with you at my grave today
You tend it with such care
I want to reassure you
That I'm not lying there
I walked with you toward the house
As you fumbled for your key
I gently put my paw on you
I smiled and said "It's me."
You looked so very tired
And sank into a chair
I tried so hard to let you know
That I was standing there
It's possible for me to be
So near you everyday
To say to you with certainty
"I never went away."
You sat there very quietly
Then you smiled, I think you knew
In the stillness of that evening
I was very close to you.
The day is over...
I smile and watch you yawning
And say "Good night, God bless,
I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right
For you to cross the brief divide
I'll rush across to greet you
And we'll stand side by side
I have so many things to show you
There is so much for you to see
Be patient, live your journey out
And then come home to be with me

                                                         My little yellow Iris-dog.

So Busy

I've been so busy. Barely enough time to eat- except I really have to eat because of all of the things I have to do. I have two hour violin practices for Pit Orchestra everyday after school for the next few weeks. And that's on top of everything else I have to do. Tomorrow I won't get home until 8:30. I have Orchestra for two hours, then right after that I have another violin thing for an hour, then I have to rush back to the high school so that I can be the photographer for my friends fashion show she is running (schoolwide thing, she designed three pieces in it.....), then I have to run up stairs to an Interact (volunteer club) meeting. Then I can go home and do my homework. Bah :P . But it's bothering me because I really have to eat......I have to force myself to. For the past week I've have a veggie wrap everyday for lunch- and it's making me feel sick!! If I don't eat then I don't have enough strength to hold my violin up for hours on end. I know that well enough because of last spring when I fainted at one of my practices. It does burn calories, but I can't stand to loop at the scale. I think I'm only going t eat lunch for the next few weeks. That's not so bad. I feel so awful.

Where Have I been? Let me tell you.

Okay, the past week has been crazy. I've been finishing up a hell of a lot of homework to end the quarter. We've been scheduling classes for next year (senior year)- I think I'm going to end up taking some college classes this summer and next year, which will be fun. I've been getting my group together for Interact (the volunteer club at my High School) because I'm planning a week long trip to volunteer at Camp Sunshine- A summer camp for kids with terminal or life threatening illnesses. I'm really excited, it will be nice to work with them. I got a job at a bakery starting in May (Ironic, the anorexic is going to be surrounded with cupcakes for the next two years of her life). I finally got my passport in the Mail so my family is planning our trip to Mexico!! Woot!! I started doing Zumba with a friend- and I LOVE IT, it's so much fun! I have been practicing for Tennis tryouts that will be held in a few weeks, I'm going for Varsity. And Finally the pit orchestra for the Spring musical "Into the Woods" Started practice on Thursday. I'm violin number 2, so I have about 80 pages to memorize. And I finally go my new violin! I love it so much, it has a beautiful sound. It was nearly $1000 (not too bad for a violin). I'm going to minor in concert violin in college so we figured I could upgrade from my old one now.

                                                                  Here it is:

First purge ever

About ten minutes ago, I purged for the first time. I have tried to for SO long but it never worked. Today I really ruined a day that was supposed to be a fasting day, and I felt horrible. Too full, very sick. So I drank 3 glasses of ice water and then I sorta...I don't know how to explain it, swallowed my finger? It worked. So weird, because I hate throwing up. When I was a kid I would do anything to avoid throwing up when I was sick. I feel amazing! My stomach doesn't hurt anymore, it's empty, I feel like I was given a shot of caffeine. I feel so powerful and in control- I love it! On one hand I know that it is a horrible thing to get into....but I feel so great about it.

Gerascophobia

The fear of aging. I'm terrified of growing older. I want to stay 16, god, I don't even want to be sixteen, I want to be a little kid again. I miss not having to worry. I feel like I'm wasting my "childhood" feeling horrible all of the time. Things are moving too fast, I just want life to slow down for a bit so I can take a breath. Next year I'm a senior, then college...I'm not ready for that! I don't want to be legally an adult.  And for some reason I was never able to picture myself as one. Maybe I'm meant to die young.

Went to buy diet pills: Fail.

I asked my friend to take me to CVS after school to buy some diet pills (for a science "experiment" *wink*). I wanted to get the green tea fat burning pills because I have been reading about them and they're supposed to work great. I thought I wouldn't get carded because they were supplements- but it didn't work. I thought I had gotten away with it until the lady was like: "ID please." :(
I was so excited to get them. I don't know what to do now. Ugh. Anyone know of diet pills that you won't get carded for?

Gained? How? WTF????

I started at 101. I starved For a day, weighed myself, and I weighed 102. I starved myself a second day and went to the gym to burn off 500 calories (I wanted to burn 1000 but I almost fainted). I weigh myself this morning: 103 pounds!! I am freaking out! What is wrong with me? How can that happen- is it the Prozac? It's never happened before! I'm so sad right now, I don't know what to do about this. I wish my mom still had those diet pills, I could really use them right now. 

Ivonne Thein

I love her work. I was just looking through her 32-kilos album- I wish that these weren't photo shopped- they are so beautiful! All of her photography is wonderful. She does mostly portraits, and I love the way she portrays people. It's very thought provoking. One of her other shoots, "Icons" is my favorite. She blurs the photo so that the faces are not completely visible....I love her work. Sorry for the random photography tangent (one of my hobbies, maybe sometime I'll post my photo website. I just finished a gallery showing in January so that was fun)- it's just an epic Thinspo.
http://www.ivonnethein.com/en/art1_1.html

                                                                   I want to be her! :(