So Busy

I've been so busy. Barely enough time to eat- except I really have to eat because of all of the things I have to do. I have two hour violin practices for Pit Orchestra everyday after school for the next few weeks. And that's on top of everything else I have to do. Tomorrow I won't get home until 8:30. I have Orchestra for two hours, then right after that I have another violin thing for an hour, then I have to rush back to the high school so that I can be the photographer for my friends fashion show she is running (schoolwide thing, she designed three pieces in it.....), then I have to run up stairs to an Interact (volunteer club) meeting. Then I can go home and do my homework. Bah :P . But it's bothering me because I really have to eat......I have to force myself to. For the past week I've have a veggie wrap everyday for lunch- and it's making me feel sick!! If I don't eat then I don't have enough strength to hold my violin up for hours on end. I know that well enough because of last spring when I fainted at one of my practices. It does burn calories, but I can't stand to loop at the scale. I think I'm only going t eat lunch for the next few weeks. That's not so bad. I feel so awful.

Where Have I been? Let me tell you.

Okay, the past week has been crazy. I've been finishing up a hell of a lot of homework to end the quarter. We've been scheduling classes for next year (senior year)- I think I'm going to end up taking some college classes this summer and next year, which will be fun. I've been getting my group together for Interact (the volunteer club at my High School) because I'm planning a week long trip to volunteer at Camp Sunshine- A summer camp for kids with terminal or life threatening illnesses. I'm really excited, it will be nice to work with them. I got a job at a bakery starting in May (Ironic, the anorexic is going to be surrounded with cupcakes for the next two years of her life). I finally got my passport in the Mail so my family is planning our trip to Mexico!! Woot!! I started doing Zumba with a friend- and I LOVE IT, it's so much fun! I have been practicing for Tennis tryouts that will be held in a few weeks, I'm going for Varsity. And Finally the pit orchestra for the Spring musical "Into the Woods" Started practice on Thursday. I'm violin number 2, so I have about 80 pages to memorize. And I finally go my new violin! I love it so much, it has a beautiful sound. It was nearly $1000 (not too bad for a violin). I'm going to minor in concert violin in college so we figured I could upgrade from my old one now.

                                                                  Here it is:

First purge ever

About ten minutes ago, I purged for the first time. I have tried to for SO long but it never worked. Today I really ruined a day that was supposed to be a fasting day, and I felt horrible. Too full, very sick. So I drank 3 glasses of ice water and then I sorta...I don't know how to explain it, swallowed my finger? It worked. So weird, because I hate throwing up. When I was a kid I would do anything to avoid throwing up when I was sick. I feel amazing! My stomach doesn't hurt anymore, it's empty, I feel like I was given a shot of caffeine. I feel so powerful and in control- I love it! On one hand I know that it is a horrible thing to get into....but I feel so great about it.

Gerascophobia

The fear of aging. I'm terrified of growing older. I want to stay 16, god, I don't even want to be sixteen, I want to be a little kid again. I miss not having to worry. I feel like I'm wasting my "childhood" feeling horrible all of the time. Things are moving too fast, I just want life to slow down for a bit so I can take a breath. Next year I'm a senior, then college...I'm not ready for that! I don't want to be legally an adult.  And for some reason I was never able to picture myself as one. Maybe I'm meant to die young.

Went to buy diet pills: Fail.

I asked my friend to take me to CVS after school to buy some diet pills (for a science "experiment" *wink*). I wanted to get the green tea fat burning pills because I have been reading about them and they're supposed to work great. I thought I wouldn't get carded because they were supplements- but it didn't work. I thought I had gotten away with it until the lady was like: "ID please." :(
I was so excited to get them. I don't know what to do now. Ugh. Anyone know of diet pills that you won't get carded for?

Gained? How? WTF????

I started at 101. I starved For a day, weighed myself, and I weighed 102. I starved myself a second day and went to the gym to burn off 500 calories (I wanted to burn 1000 but I almost fainted). I weigh myself this morning: 103 pounds!! I am freaking out! What is wrong with me? How can that happen- is it the Prozac? It's never happened before! I'm so sad right now, I don't know what to do about this. I wish my mom still had those diet pills, I could really use them right now. 

Ivonne Thein

I love her work. I was just looking through her 32-kilos album- I wish that these weren't photo shopped- they are so beautiful! All of her photography is wonderful. She does mostly portraits, and I love the way she portrays people. It's very thought provoking. One of her other shoots, "Icons" is my favorite. She blurs the photo so that the faces are not completely visible....I love her work. Sorry for the random photography tangent (one of my hobbies, maybe sometime I'll post my photo website. I just finished a gallery showing in January so that was fun)- it's just an epic Thinspo.
http://www.ivonnethein.com/en/art1_1.html

                                                                   I want to be her! :(