I'm going to be a Honeybee Keeper :)

I'm so excited. We're picking them up on May 20th. All 60,000 little bees. My dad spent this year preparing for them: making the hive and buying a Smoker, ordering our veils. I'm going to be a beekeeper. People don't know much about them really. I have done so much research, and I can honestly say that they are amazing creatures. They live in a perfect little world and I envy them.

A hive of bees will fly 90,000 miles, the equivalent of three orbits around the earth to collect 1 kg of honey. 

Honey bees communicate with one another by "dancing."

Honey is the ONLY food that includes all the substances necessary to sustain  life, including water. 

Honey speeds the healing process and combats infections. Bee stings are commonly used as a strong painkiller that helps people deal with arthritis and other pains.

Honeybees are incredibly intelligent and are born with a natural skill with mathematics.

It would take about 1 ounce of honey to fuel a honeybee's flight around the world.

Honeybees are responsible for approx 80% of all fruit, vegetable and seed crops in the U.S.

Respect the Bee.

 

Got some Green Tea Extract

Took a very long bike ride to the natural food store and back. Hopefully these will have the same effect as the diet pills, I can't wait to see the results.

And Super hero: I'm halfway through "The Philosopher's Apprentice," and it's amazing. Really really good book, I recommend it to everyone.

I had a Dream

I dreamed that I had a special shower, and you set it to the weight you wanted, and you stepped in and the water ran through you and washed away all the fat until you weighed that much. 90 pounds. 90 pounds. 90 pounds.......I think that's the tune my heart beats now I've repeated it in my head so much. 90 90 90 90 90 90 90. Please god, make me 90. I think all of this comes from the fact I've been eating so many handfuls of green tea leaves. I keep imagining them expanding in my stomach and keeping me full. They are working well. I think my blood and insides must be green tea flavored now.

I babysat today- earned 45 dollars, it's going into my "car" fund. I've been looking for used ones online lately. There are three things that I desperately need to save up for: Car, College, and a puppy. Everyone needs a puppy. I babysat this 11-year-old who's 5'1 and 54 pounds. I was so jealous. She sat there eating Nutella sandwiches. I tried not to cry. 

Green tea Diet

So, I created my own version of the "Green Tea Diet." I did some research. Basically I'm going to swallow a spoonful of green tea leaves a day, drink three cups of tea, and take Green tea extract (thanks Superhero, I'm going to go the the natural food store and look for it), and eat 300 calories a day. Plus exercise and all that jazz. I just took my first spoonful of green tea leaves. I just took it with water like I was taking meds or something. It was a really weird sensation. It's all scratchy and weird, I gagged a bit. But so far so good, I'm not nauseous or anything.

Here's the video I found the diet from (Sparksfly on PT gave it to me):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaL03V3YNEE

Came this close to Shoplifting

Dammit. So close. And there were no cameras, I checked, and no one was watching. All I wanted was a five dollar box of green tea diet pills. That's it, five dollars. My parents spend so much money on food from that place. I would have paid for them, I tried, but they card you. You have to be 18. I'm almost 17. Close enough. And the first box I grabbed was empty, SOMEONE HAD ALREADY STOLEN THE PILLS!!!! So I took another one, and I opened it up. So close. I could have just slipped it into my coat pocket and it would have been over. But no. I couldn't do it. Shit. I'm such a loser.

On a Boat

We're going on a Cruise!!!!! I'm so excited! We're going at the end of May. It goes from Florida to: Puerto rico, Beliez, Panama, Antigua, Jamaica, The Dominican Republic, The Bahamas, and a few other Islands that I don't remember, St Thomas was one of them I think. I have to make up a lot of school work before we go, but it's going to be awesome!!!!!! My mom and I are going to a spa before we leave to get haircut/colors, Mani/pedi, waxing, etc. I need to loose ten pounds so I can fit into a 00 Bikini. Ahhhhhhh! :D

My screwed up family- a rant.

My Aunt was here this weekend with her husband (husband number three- we stopped calling them uncle's after the second)- He is such a sketchy dude. I think he might be a child molester, like I'm not joking, I really think it's a possibility. We don't like him, but they are literally the only family we have left, so we put up with it for my aunt. The thing is though, these people are ALWAYS talking about weight and calories and fat, and they KNOW that I have struggled with Anorexia. They know this. Clearly they don't understand it because they always do this to me, and I bite my lip and go cut myself instead of saying anything. Well today Stewart, (my "uncle") was making a peanut butter sandwich. And my mom, just to make conversation said "Oh, Cal makes Peanut butter honey sandwiches, their delicious." (When I was recovering I had to eat those for protein) And he looks at me and say's "If you keep eating those you'll be fat before you know it." And my jaw drops. I was like: "I don't let myself get fat." So my Aunt charms in "Oh that's what everybody says, just you wait, you'll be fat one day." Annnnnnd cue my biggest trigger: Growing up when my mom was always on diets, I used to say that I would always be skinny. She would always respond: "Just you wait, you'll be fat like me one day." (She's not even really fat). So that was a big part of developing my ED. So I just sort of silently went up to my room and started to cry, hoping they didn't notice. Of course my mom did, so she calmly and politely told them that they had to watch what they say around me as to not trigger me. Stewart got angry that she said that to him, and -GET THIS- he went into our backyard and hid in our old treehouse. YES, YOU READ CORRECT a 79-year old retired biology professor hid in our tree house and refused to come down.  What. The. Fuck. Disaster. It got better, but I was glad when they left. I'm no where near recovered. I've been starving myself again for months and they have no clue.

Too Much Sun

I biked for three hours, and went for two long walks today. I ate a little bit more than normal, so I'm just going to make up for that with a laxative, and I'm going to exercise until my heart stops. I always hear people saying that at the gym like it's a bad thing. I think it would be amazing to exercise and have your heart pumping so hard that it stops, you would feel so alive. Peaceful. Like going to sleep after a long day. It's the same thing when people say: "Don't get too much sun." I can never bring myself to understand it. How can you get too much sun. That sounds wonderful to me. To have so much sun that you will be warm forever. To have sunlight spilling out of your pores.

Dizzy

I don't get it. I'm 5'4.5 I weigh about 100 pounds, I eat and average of 200 calories a day. I weigh too much, and eat too much for this to be happening. It was never like this before so why is it so bad now. I keep getting these dizzy spells where the world shifts around and I can't focus my eyes. I keep seeing these colorful dots, like you see when you stare at the sun for too long. Things don't feel quite real. I was walking to the bathroom from mt math class on Friday and it's like my mind went blank. I forgot what class I was in, I forgot where I was. I was just confused and it keeps happening, my mind goes into a dream state. I made a post like this earlier, this is just really freaking me out, I don't know what it wrong.

No one really was paying attention so...

I barely ate anything!!! I had 206 calories, and I biked for two hours, and walked Animal shelter dogs. Burned 1000 calories. My aunts here, it's great to see her again. We don't really have much family....or any family other than her and we only get to see her a couple times a year. I was one of those kids who grew up wishing for a grandparent, or some cousins. I was/am always jealous of my friends who have huge families and totally take it for granted.

I'm having Out of Body Experiences

For the past two weeks or so it's been happening more often than usual. I kinda feel like I'm floating above my body.....it's kinda like I'm awake but I feel like I'm dreaming, I can't distinguish the difference....I was done with all of my School work today, so I went for a 6 mile bike ride (I'm training for a cycling race) and then volunteered at the Animal Shelter. I still have an hour to kill before I have to go warn up my strings for the musical tonight so I'm probably gonna watch Weeds or something. Anyway, it happened again when I was riding my bike and I almost swerved into traffic. Totally freaked me out. I think I'm on the verge of fainting.

I had some strawberry's and honey for breakfast, (skipped lunch) and had a peanut butter toast (so I can hold up my violin tonight). I can't eat anymore today because my aunts staying over for the weekend and everyone is going to be watching to make sure I eat.

woot!!!

Breakfast- 1/2 a pear (25)
Lunch: a Cheese stick (?)
Dinner: Vegetable soup (30)

Yayyyyyy!!!! No Carbs, and under 200 calories! This is such a great week. I dropped two pounds!

I don't know why this made me so happy....

 

But maybe it will make you guy's smile too. :)

I Can

My life isn't on hold, it's just slightly muted.
I'm not going to worry about my parents and friends, they will never know.
I'm not going to worry about the consequences, there won't be any.

Just watch me Ana, I can have complete control and still be an honor student, an Artist, a Musician, an Overachiever. That's all this is anyway. I'm a Dietary overachiever. I can be light as a feather and still be who I am.

Busy Busy Busy

So busy trying to get schoolwork done for the end of the quarter. I'm signing up for summer college courses, and applying for summer jobs- fun fun fun. So excited. I started editing my second novel, so hopefully I'll publish it in 2012-ish. Or at least before I graduate from High School. The Musical premiered last Thursday, and honestly playing for this show is the most fun I've had in a while. I'm thinking that I'm going to apply for the youth orchestra in the city next year, I really love playing in an Orchestra setting. Hmmm. What else. In the past few weeks, I got into a relationship with a friend. Then I broke it off because I wanted him to stay my friend. He didn't take it well as first, but I think things are getting better now. It was sooo stressful though. It hurt him, and that was terrible.

I don't know what happened, but something triggered me- I mean REALLY triggered me. Maybe it was a mix of things, but I'm starting to feel just as motivated as I used to be and I'm trying so hard to hang onto that feeling. I've been lost without it.