Has Eaten nothing today!

Yay! I'm so glad! I feel so good, you know that empty light feeling? I am loving it! I'm still too scared to step on the scale though. If it goes up I'll be upset. If it stays the same I'll be upset. I don't think it's gone down at all, so I don't know. I'm thinking I'll try it on Wednesday.

Movie Night

Going to a friends house tonight, we're having a movie night. I have to make brownies soon for them. Gah. Everyone is going to expect me to eat pizza. I've already eaten way too much today. My dad was home so he made me eat veggie bacon (80 calories) and waffles (gag) and a veggie wrap. I kinda want to bang my head against the wall. Things will be easier when I go back to school. At least them I can skip breakfast and lunch without my parents bothering me. I started looking through my old records today (I collect them and just got a bunch more) and found Bryan Adams, Heart, INXS, and Fleetwood Mac. Win!

The guy that I've loved for a year...

Wow. I think I'm shocked. I don't know what else to do...so I thought I'd make a post. There's this guy: Mat, I've liked him so much for over a year now... So so very much. He's the only guy friend I've trusted with telling him about my anorexia, he's helps so much, I just love him. He's such a great person, I love being with him, we're great friends. He never knew that I liked him. I was the only person that he told who he really liked to, he's loved one of my close friends for years (Jen). They're best friends, and have been for so long. I tried so hard to not care about him. I tried so much, but no matter how many flaws I found it didn't matter, I still liked him all the more for it. I can't help it. Today I was hanging out with Jen, and she told me that she really liked Mat. They both like each other, and they're perfect for one another.... So I told her that he felt the same way and that they should talk to each other about it. So, she said they were going to get together tonight for dinner and talk about their feelings. As much as I like him, as much as it hurts.......I am so happy for them! I am so excited. I want them to be together, because I know how happy that will make him, and I really want him to be happy. Which is so weird. How can I feel both terrible and wonderful about something like this? It doesn't make any sense.

Happy Day

I've had some fruit (30 calories), a veggie dog (45 calories) with salsa (5 calories), and a spoonful of peanut butter (I don't want to think about it) and I'm done for the day- I'm doing a work out tape then I'm going to go volunteer at the animal shelter and finish some homework. Not bad. No carbs. Ever again. That's my plan.

100 calories burned per 5 minutes running up and down the stairs, 136 calories burned for every 8 glasses of ice water.... I think I'm going to concentrate on these to burn off the peanut butter.  God, I scare myself sometimes. After a while of obsession about weight loss, you start to notice that your mind just memorizes all these things. In recovery (to piss my doctor Jane off- I really hated her) I was frustrated because I wanted to know exactly how many calories a "normal person" needs to function without gaining weight. They wouldn't tell be anything, so in return I wanted to show them that they didn't need to tell me anything for my to know how many calories they were forcing into my mouth. So when I was eating I recited everything from memory as I ate "Banana is 110,  Scrambled eggs is 200, calories in whole milk 149 per cup..." Ha, the doctors didn't find it funny like the rest of us did. I mean, we all already knew this stuff, we ended up having a discussion about it. But Jane was like: "It's really twisted that you guy's know this by heart, this is something you need to work through." Ehh, whatever.

BDD and me

Body Dysmorphic disorder. Do I have it? Yeah probably, I just don't think of it like that. I don't think that my vision changes. I see what's really there. By hospital standard I am underweight. I see fat fat fat fat. But I think that my standards are just higher then "healthy" people. What they think is thin, and what I think is thin are completely different. My biggest issue is my thighs. No one can convince my that my thighs aren't ginormous. They just can't.

Too little too much :(

So, in my IB Biology class we were talking about healthy eating....Yeah, it was a little awkward when she starting talking about anorexia, but anyway. Mrs. N was like: "It shouldn't be so hard for people to eat healthy. I love Applebee's, they put the number of calories in each dinner on the menu: Some of them are as low as 500 calories!!!" Back up there. My jaw dropped open, I was horrified. They think that 500 is LOW CALORIE? I think that 100 is way to many. I consider anything under 50 as low calorie. Like, really? Is my perception that messed up? If I eat 500 calories I feel horrible, and I consider the day to be a complete fail. I can't loose weight the normal way like everyone else. They talk about eating 1200 calories a day and loosing weight, that doesn't work for me. I gain if I eat that much, the only way I loose is if I eat less then 200. I think I'm at a plateau- my weight just won't change.....500? Are they crazy?

Woot!

Got mah water bottle. Got mah Mint Orbit gum. Got mah trusty-pain-inducing green rubber band around my wrist. I'm ready to go.

Did some blog editing...

Hope I haven't given anyone whiplash. I've changed things around three times in the past day. :P Sorry, it will stay like this for a while now.

UNBELIEVEABLE! Brothers are from HELL!

I have to rant about this, I'm trying not to kill my little brother (he's 14- not that little). He is a total video/computer game geek. He has it in his head that eveytime anyone is using a laptop in our house it makes his games go slow, so he's been yelling at everyone all day to get off the internet so he could play COD. Everytime he leaves his room he reminds us not to touch his controls or turn off his computer because it will mess up his game. I always respond: "Neil, I promise I'll never touch it, why would I?" I thought I was being repectful.

SO, for the past three hours everytime I left my laptop and went to get something or whatever, I came back and it was off. I was seriously freaked, I thought that my $1,000 MacBook Pro was broken. Finally I get back one time and the screen is also shut and I figure out that he had probably done it. Then I run into Neil's room and yell at him because he shut down everything I had been working on (including an essay I hadn't saved, FML). And his laptop was taken away. It took me twenty minutes later to connect all of the dots and realize that there was nothing wrong with my Laptop, every time I left the room he would run in and turn it off!!!!! WTF??? SO PISSED right now! He's such a selfish douche-bag. His entire life is those stupid games. So what am I going to do next time he leaves his room and leaves his computer and PS3 on? Yep, that's right. An eye for an eye. He's going down.

Fasting Today

My parents are gone all day!!! XD So no food will pass my lips. I'm going to finish all of my homework, practice my violin pieces for the upcoming show, and go volunteer at the animal shelter for a few hours. I have a whole "To do" list written up, I'm going to be way to busy to eat. It'll be wonderful.

lol my experience with the Salt Water Flush

Okay, so one day after getting out of "Recovery" I decided that I needed to purify my body and start over via the salt water flush (a laxative), so one day when I knew my mom would be at my brothers baseball game all day, I got on my bike and I rode to the local market to buy sea salt. Now, when I was mixing my two large glasses of water with the salt I somehow forgot that there was a certain amount that needed to be put in. Instead of measuring it out like a normal person I just kept putting spoonful after spoonful in until in was completely filled with the stuff, Then I downed one of the glasses and a small part of the other before I just couldn't take it anymore. I think -other then taking a gazillion chocolate laxatives and getting really sick from it- this was the most painfully stupid thing I have done for my ED. It was horrible. I was so sick. When my mom came home and found me shaking on the bathroom floor she had to call poison control because there was something wrong with my blood. To this day even looking at a can of Sea salt makes my nauseous. I wouldn't do that again for anything. As I'm writing this I feel awful because I tasted a spoonful of soup hat my mom had made with sea salt in it- it was an accident but I knew right away she had used it. Eeeeeewwwwwwwww. :( So naturally I blogged about it. I'm going to go wash my mouth out with mouthwash a few million times now in hopes that it will make this less awful. See ya.

Watched Black Swan Free Online

Okay, I was going to go see it with a friend on Sunday but I got impatient and watched it online... Wow, it was good, I'll give it that. But it wasn't..... I don't know, I wasn't very shocked, I could tell what was real and what wasn't...well until the very end. I thought they could have done a lot more to make the end more shocking. I don't know. It was really good, and definitely worth watching, Natalie Portman is just amazing. And it is SUCH a thinspo guys!

If any of you haven't watched it and really want to, here is the link to watch it on fastpass. You don't have to download anything. Under the heading "links" click the "watch this video" button next to WiseVid. Then click the giant "Continue to video button" on the next page. Then Click "yes let me watch" (it's rated R so they have to mark it as Mature content), then there will be a page with a video screen and an advertisement will pop up, so just hit "close to play. And voila. There you have Black Swan. There will also be a lot of pop up adds that you just delete... no big deal, no viruses or anything, it's just kinda complicated. Actually I'm not sure how it is legal. I could have watched it free online the day it came out if I had had time to do so. Fastpass is that amazing.

http://www.fastpasstv.com/movies/black-swan-2010/

Riding in a police car to the hospital

Okay guys, yesterday was the worst day ever! It was so bad! Let me first say in case any of you didn't know this- when you call 911 the police will come, even if you hang up. I wasn't aware of this. See, because I got my wisdom teeth out I didn't take my prozac (anti-depressants) for a week and a half. I just stopped cold turkey. On Wednesday I was told that I hadn't gotten a scholarship that I had tried really hard to get (I worked so hard, and I got second- so if the winner decides that they can't have it they can give it to me). And I was sad, but I was really pissed off when I found out who had won it- because she's a jerk. And I ended up cutting myself- first time in a LONG time. The next day I made the mistake of telling my guidance counselor at school this. She was like "OMG OMG you have to tell your mom, I'll call her tomorrow to make sure you did." :( So I came home after working at the soup kitchen for hours, and I was tired, and I told my mom. She knows that I was a cutter, but she freaked and made the mistake of telling my dad, who doesn't know how to deal with thing like this. He started screaming at me, telling me that I was an immature idiot and that I should be smart enough to just stop. My mom was like: "I don't want her anymore, I don't want to go through this again. I want her locked up!" This was said in a moment of anger. My mom to be honest should never have been a mother. She likes little kids, but she has no clue how to handle anything. In a moment of crisis I have always had to be the one to step up to the plate and take charge. She couldn't understand that all I needed to calm down was for people to stop screaming at me and...I don't know, a group hug. So I told them that I needed to go to the crisis center and talk to someone. They refused, and my dad dragged me to my room by my hair and threw me on the floor (we're not a terrible family, we all just have horrible coping skills. So I was desperate and I didn't know what to do, and I took my cell phone out and called 911. And I freaked out because they said they had to send people, so I was blubbering to the poor 911 dude about how I didn't want them to come here, and that I just wanted to watch Glee and go to bed, and that I couldn't go to the hospital because I had school the next day....and I kept telling him to tell them to turn off their freaking sirens because they were scaring me. lol, we live in a quiet town, I could hear them coming. So they came and the nice police lady said that she had to take me to the emergency room. She wanted me to sit in the back of the police car so I turned to her and said "Your kidding right? You want me to ride in the cage?" She must have realized that there was no way in hell because she let me sit up front- first person to sit in the passenger seat ever, woot! So I went to the hospital, was bothered by a lot of doctors, took a nap. In the end they told me I could leave because the crisis team wouldn't get there until 11:00 and my mom said we weren't going to wait. But the ER is no joke!! There was a lady giving birth in one of the rooms and she was screaming so loud, and this girl who had gotten in an accident so she was all tied down. And there I was all huddled in the corner all horrified.

And that concludes my horrible day... On the bright side I got to skip dinner no problem. But really it got me thinking about my parents. They're not going to take much more of this. They're just going to give up on me and not care anymore, and I don't want it to get to that point! I don't want to hurt them. I;m convinced  that my dad hates me and that my brother thinks I'm and weirdo and is embarrassed to call me his sister. But I can't stop! I can't be hospitalized again. I'm not getting weighed in anymore so maybe no one will notice when I hit 90 pounds? Gah.

Guilt- Get it off of your shoulders

I'm sure all of you have done something for your ED that's made you feel so so so guilty right? Maybe for wasting food or lying to your parents? I hate lying to mine, I feel awful that I've put them through so much trouble and pain. A week or so after getting out of the hospital I decided that there was no way I could live without knowing my weight. I needed a scale- I was going insane. So one day I pretended that I was going to go volunteer at the local library after school (I use to volunteer there a lot). Instead I walked into town to CVS and I bought a scale using my lunch money. I hid it under my bed and they never found it. I relapsed and started loosing a lot of weight again, and they couldn't figure out how I was doing it. They decided that I probably found a way to weigh myself at school. It didn't even cross my mind that I would so blatantly disregard their trust. Every time I look at that scale I feel horrible about it. I have no way of getting rid of it, but I live everyday in terror that they will find it. I don't deserve for them to care about me. I don't deserve anything.

10 CALORIE NOODLES!!

I'm back, and I feel so much better! I had 300 calories today- which is a lot, but I'm going to the gym today and I usually burn about 1000 calories... SO, tomorrow is going to be a weigh in *Fingers crossed.*

I've been meaning to show you guy's this website: http://caloriecount.about.com
It's completely amazing. It tells you the number of calories in everything, calories burned in every activity, how long it will take you to loose weight, etc. Just seeing my calories on a meter on screen made me do better, so I'm definitely getting back to the site.

ALSO, I recently found out about this magical food. Shirataki Noodles have only 10 CALORIES!!! I'm amazed. I'm going to a local Asian market today to buy a bunch, I'll keep you guy's posted about how they are, and the recipes I use them with.

My Favorite "Thinspo" Pictures. Just because I feel so aweful, and this makes me feel....well, worse...

Well.....update I guess

On why I haven't updated recently. I got my wisdom teeth out the week before last. It went okay at first but I ended up getting dry sockets (really painful) and they put this really gross stuff on my teeth... it's just really really bad. I've been eating a lot to try to get the taste to go away (I'm that desperate) it makes me feel so so so sick. Disgusting. And in turn- eating makes me hate life, so I've been cutting :( . I'm struggling to stay up to speed in school, but that's getting hard. Blah. I so sorry I haven't done any posts! And this one is lame! I will get back to one a day once I start feeling better. And then I can finally start eating 60 calories again.

Spa at Home

I had to show you guy's this website, it's wonderful! As a Junior in high school, I don't exactly have a load of money to treat myself. I found this awesome website that has easy to make spa treatments at home. I did an avocado-lemon mask, a hair shiner, and I took a green tea bath. Check it out guys- It's one more step on the road to being perfect both in body and mind.

http://www.spaindex.com/HomeSpa/HomeSpa.htm

So, what do you think? Next goal weight reached, schedule a relaxing day, fill the bathtub and light some candles. You guy's deserve it.

Doll Face

(Clicky!) ---> Doll Face

A story of a Doll that wants to be beautiful. This video always makes me cry. Please watch it and tell me what you think guys. I really think that this is a great outlook on the way society is today. The Media forces people to change and strive to be something they're not- until it's too much and they break. I feel like I'm heading in the same direction. Striving until I break and have nothing left.

Here's the thing.

When I eat, I want to die.

When I don't eat I feel like a tired weakling.

When I weigh myself I want to die.

If I don't weigh myself I want to die.

If I loose weight I get closer and closer to winning.

No matter how much I try, I will never loose enough. I always loose.

Anorexia is a double sided knife. Anorexia is the only thing that will make me happy. And I can never be happy. Why would people think that I chose this for myself? I feel so old at sixteen. Old. I don't want to ever age. I've wasted so much time suffering with this, and it will never go away. I want to be a little kid again. I don't want to think. I want Ana to go away and never come. But I can't live with out her.

Eating Disorder Movies

Hey guys!
Lately I've been hearing of people who are looking for more Anorexia movies. I spent a lot of time in the past year watching most that the internet has to offer (youtube basically has all of them so it wasn't much of a trouble) so I'm going to post my favorites and links to them. A mostly all of the ED movies I have found are older films and are either bad quality, or a really lame script so I'm not going to bother mentioning those. The first three are about teenagers. These are the ones that I have enoyed:


A Secret Between Friends: A story of two friends who play volleyball. They both have some family issues...and they both want to loose weight. Jen is Bulimic, and Lexi becomes Anorexic. It was okay, deffinately worth watching, but not the best. The script is a little cheesy at some parts but it was mostly realistic. My biggest problem with this movie was it didn't portray her loosing any weight. She looked the same through the whole thing even though she was "dying." I think I mostly loved this movie because it was literally the "story of my life." Last year my best friend was Bulimic for a while, and I shared my Anorexia with her. Her Bulimia turned out to be a lame phase and she got over it though (Wannabe). Anyway, great movie:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7VmB6phCtc

Sharing the Secret: This was a story about a Bulimic named Beth. I really loved this one, even though I am not Bulimic. It was a great movie and I thought that it was really realistic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5JuwfuLbRg

Perfect Body: A teenage gymnast named Andie is on a climb to the top. She wants the Olympics and her parents are willing to help her do what she needs to be the best- but the pressure begins to be too much for her- she develops anorexia. This was a great story. It was a great look into the life of a competitive sport and the real pressures that athletes are under. Also I liked it because it looked like Andie lost weight- you could actually see progress and her becoming very thin- that's hard to do in a movie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3EHb7k_Bp4

For the love of Nancy: I didn't watch the whole thing because the script was lame and I was bored with the oldness. But it was generally okay:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4OFxW3AN2M

Thin: This is a documentary fallowing the lives of a group of young adults (and one teenage girl) in ED treatment. It was a recovery movie, but I still liked watching it and listening to them talk.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZm2g9FLrGA

I'm a Child Anorexic:  Title says it all. Good. Modern
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlPnvBsOBRc

Dying to be Anorexic: Fallows the lives of three Pro-ana girls. Great! Modern! Loved it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlPnvBsOBRc


Skinny Kids: Documentary, about small children developing anorexia. Eh. Good. It also shows a child anorexic rehab center in England that's really awesome (hot tub) I mean really. At least their going someplace awesome, when I get sent to rehab I get shoved into a gross room in the top floor of a four story hospital and force fed by nurses.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsD1Fpup3vc

'kay, that is all for today lovelies. Enjoy!

I got a jucier!!

Oh my god I love it so much!!!! I just made watermelon/Cantaloupe/Kiwi juice and it was delicious! It's really low cal and so healthy too- I think I'm going to alter my diet slightly so I'll have fresh juice for breakfast and with my veggie dog for dinner. So worth it.

Juciers -I got the Jack Lalanne one on page two, but there are a lot of cheaper ones too.


"give your body an instant boost of nutrients, enzymes, vitamins and minerals"
It just goes right through you, I can't imagine how much weight I could loose if I just drank juice.

Loopy from Wisdm teeth

Sorry I didn't post yesterday guys! I was so out of it. Because of being underweight it really affected me. I don't remember anything about after the operation until I got home. I couldn't even walk because the medicine killed my leg muscles! When they were trying to wake me up they kept saying: "Can you see your dad? Can you see his face?" And I finally said "Big nose." And fell asleep again. I also kept waking up randomly and saying "say thank you to everyone!" I guess I was very grateful? lol. So that's my Wisdom teeth story. Other than that I've just been sitting around watching psych and doctor who and trying not to think about all of the blood in my mouth.

Chewing and Spiting......Gross I know

But I thought I would put it out there. It's been really helpful for me because I can't purge. I can taste it and chew chew chew....and then, you know spit it out in a paper towel. It's like skipping the throwing up part of purging....haha, this is such a random post: "Hey guys, spit!" I'm just happy because it saved me from a binge. Opinions? Have you guy's ever done this?

Where are my teeth!!?!?!? Oh yeah, the dentist took them. Happy Chinese New Year btw!

First day of my 65 calorie diet is a WIN! So proud guys. So proud. I'm missing school tomorrow (woot! No IB BIO!) cuz' I'm getting my wisdom teeth out. I was so freaked out about this, just because I'm sick of doctors messing with my teeth. They said they would back off once the braces were gone. Liars. Now I'm actually really excited, I have an excuse to fast for the whole weekend. Bring on the Novocaine!

Happy Chinese New year! :D I'm not Asian but I take an online Chinese course so one of our assignments is to celebrate- and I think you guy's should too! Chinese New Year is based on the idea of cleansing bad omens away and being clear and clean for the New Year. I spent all of yesterday cleaning the whole house (there is not a speck of dust in my room now) and drinking just water and green tea- AND IT FELT SO GREAT! I feel purified.

"Do you do it for the guys?" No. No I don't.

Only a few of my close friends know about my eating disorder. I think maybe five outside of my family and they've known for about a year. But the thing is, I kinda wish that they didn't know now, because people who don't have this disease have no idea what it's like. I was talking to my friend Ann today at lunch and she asked how things were going with my ED, and I was like. "Ok I guess." (she thinks I'm still trying to recover) "I think I may have lost a little weight but I don't think it's enough to be hospitalized again." And she was like: "Why do you do it? Is it for the guys? Because it really isn't attractive." I wanted to slap her!!! What the hell, no that isn't why I stave myself!! Sure, I think my life would be better if I was extremely underweight, that includes my love life, but that isn't even close to why I do it. I tried to explain that it is my coping mechanism, I put all of my effort into it so I don't have to deal with other problems. I am addicted to it, it's a mental disorder not my choice. And she say's: "Well, can't you just stop?" ..... :[ ..... Need I continue? This same friend also pointed out that I'm "totally not the type to have anorexia" I'm just too normal and smart and put together. News flash sweetie, eating disorders don't discriminate. Gah. I guess that just gets to me. I mean honestly, doesn't it get to you guy's when people do that? My friends who don't know about my ED are always joke: "anorexic airheads" and "She's so gross I bet she's Bulimic."

My new plan!

I had a huge panic attack last night, I was so disgusted with my body. I need to get under 100 pounds, I've been trapped at 101 for weeks. SO, new plan. Starting tomorrow- my parents watch me, and it's a snow day so I can't get out of eating almost every meal :(.  -February 3rd.  I will be 95 pounds by  February 11, and I will be 90 pounds by the 25th. I want to go down to about 88 pounds to be safe, and then I will start working my way up to 800 calories to maintain. Here is my menu:

Breakfast: Tea (Green tea), gum
Lunch: Gum (basically, I can have as much gum as needed)
Snack: Tea, Gum, 2 pickles- 5 calories each
Dinner: (This must be around 5-6 pm) 1 veggie dog- NO BUN- w/fresh salsa and mustard- 50 calories
After dinner- Tea, gum

All together this is a 60 calorie day. *crosses fingers* This is very little. The least I've been able to do is 100 calories a day, but for some reason this magical thing happened- I don't get hungry anymore. So this should be good. :)

This Song expresses exactly my relationship with Anorexia

Sixpence none the richer- Breath your name

Seriously guys, listen too it...The lyrics....they just fit. Ignore the creepy music video.

"You move my mind from behind the wheel, when I loose control I can only breathe your name."

Giant Snow storm....

Giant snow storm tomorrow. We're supposed to get over two feet. Snow dayyy!! :D Hopefully I'll be fasting tomorrow, I'll just curl up with a book and "forget" to eat. I'm started to feel the pressure. We're going to Mexico in May, so Bathing suits are required.