Update on life

I got a new job, at a market close by. I started my senior year: IB English, AP psychology, and two college courses. Plus college apps. I want to major Occupational Therapy, and minor in Concert Violin. I've been looking at a few colleges Universities. My GPA is really low from the one and a half years I spent in and out the the hospital (2.9-3.0 ish). I want to transfer after my first year. Whatever.

I got a car!

Subaru Impreza 2010. I loveee it. I was in recovery for the summer- look how fat I got! :(

I thought I was okay for a while. I still don't want to be sad. But I want to be thin really bad. College stuff is really stressing me out. I just feel terrible. And my stomach is used to food now so it's hard to starve. I just don't know how to NOT be anorexic. I don't feel like myself if I'm not restricting. I should have been coming on here more ( I just was afraid I would be triggered- too late, oh well.) You guy's have always been so amazing, I'm going to catch up on reading everyone's blogs I promise!

I got a puppy: Her name is Sobie. She's a white German Shepard.

Finally Back after a long break

Hi guys!
I was so afraid to come on here for the past few months because I was feeling better for a while. This wasn't my complete focus for once in two years, and that was nice. It still isn't I guess, but I am leaning more towards my old habits. Schoolwork is so stressful, and college apps....god. I just.....I need the structure and focus in my life that anorexia gives me, you know? It makes everything easier for me. So, I've started eating a lot less. I've been doing Zumba a few times a week. It feels so great, I forgot how great anorexia feels.

Okay I have to post these Amanda Nørgaard is my Idol:

:(

I'm gonna go cry now.

Summer goals

What are yours? I saw a post on PT about this and I love it. I've been stressing out so much, it makes me feel better just to write them down.

1. finish my Chinese course (and get my schedule ready for senior year).
2. edit my novel- (and send it to the editor)
3. get my license (and a car)
4. Get a job.
5. Loose 15-ish pounds and get tiny legs. 
6. To stop cutting for good!!!
7. Feel happy again.

Song- Listen please

One of the two girls at the camping trip just sent this to me one facebook. I wish I had talked to my friends about it sooner because I feel so much better. I want all of you to listen to this because this applies to everyone of you. I read so many blog posts and meet so many people on PT, that make me so sad bacause they can't see how wonderful they are.
Jojo- Exceptional

Had an amazing revelation

I got so much exercise during the trip I must have lost at least two pounds. It was so beautiful on the island- it was just incredible. Despite the fact that I broke down and told two long time friends about my ED (Kinda, I just said I had a lot of food issues). It was like 3 in the morning and we were sitting by the water and talking. Somehow the discussion of Body image and Media, and "horror of modern weight expectation." And I burst into tears. I love them though, so it's okay. ANYWAY. I was looking at pictures of the trip on Facebook, and (being so extremely tired) I found a picture of a girl (profile view) standing on the rocks and filming the water. I was so excited because she was so thin, I thought she was perfect. And I spent over five minute's trying to figure out who she was before I finally realized, it was me.

Summer!!!

It doesn't really feel like it yet. I still have to finish my online Chinese class. Also finalizing my schedule for next year. Next year I only have to go to High School Every other day- the other day has two online courses, a college course, and a apprenticeship program with a local Childs Occupational Therapist (trying to decide my future :P ). I'm going camping on Saturday with a huge group of friends to kick off the summer. Two day's of noooo food!!! :) I've actually been doing really good. Fallowing the rules, and I don't feel hungry most of the time. I just feel so fat. I scheduled a doctors appointment to discuss my antidepressants and switching them. I also have to admit- I've been cutting so much. Usually I just cut my stomach and thighs (easier to hide) But I've been getting careless and I tore up my arms and legs. My dad noticed- he looked so sad. I felt so bad for it. I've been coming up with so many excuses that work on everyone else... but he knows me. I just wish I wasn't such a disappointment. I think he hates me.

FIrst day of Work

Ironically, it's probably the one place an anorexic would feel the most uncomfortable.....A bakery. But it's fun, and it's will by me a car (sent in for my license last Friday) I'll take what I can get right? My last final is on Monday, then its summer! Finally! I haven't weighted myself, I don't know if I will anytime soon....unless I'm sure I lost weight. It just hurts way too much. I think somethings up with my anti-depressants, I'm pretty sure this isn't supposed to happen.

Lemonaid Diet

I've been fallowing my rules this week, and I'm proud of that. But I'm not loosing anything. I found this "master cleanse/Lemonaid diet" thing online:

• 2 tablespoons fresh-squeezed lemon juice.
• 2 tablespoons grade-B organic maple syrup.
• 1/10 teaspoon cayenne pepper.
• 10 ounces filtered water.

You drink six of these a day and eat nothing.....interesting? It doesn't sound very good to be honest. But the 20 pounds in 10 days. Hmmmmm. That would be nice.

It hurts too much  to live. I want to cut off my fat. I just want ot go to bed and never wake up. It hurts so much.

God, I had a weird day....

First day back since my vacation and it was SO STRESSFUL. God. I had a mini freak out because of complications involving my summer college classes. And I missed: Two drug searches, four senior pranks that caused evacuations, a car accident involving a friend.... and a huge mess involving my ex. I broke it off quick because I was afraid of being in a relationship and dealing with Anorexia at the same time. I couldn't tell him about it...but it's such a big part of my life so you can't get close to me without knowing about it. I mean, I still like him though despite it. We're friends for now, and he still wants to try and work it out eventually. So he did something stupid. While I was gone he went to a friends Prom as her date, then afterward they went back to her house with a group and got so drunk that he bordered on alcohol Poisoning. I mean shot after shot of straight vodka. This is a guy who never drinks much. Then they hooked up, and she might be pregnant (and it turns out she lives like right next to my house). >:( Then he almost died when he drove home drunk. People suck so much. I hate them ALL!!! Apparently he didn't want me to know (even though everyone else did!!!) but it slipped out. So pissed. So very pissed. He let me punch him though. So I guess that's nice. I don't know. Maybe I'm over reacting.

I better have lost some weight, I stuck to all of my new rules. SO PROUD OF MYSELF :D. I only ate fruit and a bit of soup.

What Triggers you?

Because I've been thinking about it a lot lately. I know that some people don't get triggered easily, but everything triggers me. The mention of calories or Weightloss on TV (or by anyone for that matter), a Skinny Girl, even a Skinny guy, anything about EDs, anything about weight measurements or even height. Saying "Fat" Around me, even directed at someone else, will set me off and I won't be able to eat anything. EVERYTHING. Blah.

Phobia's

 A while ago I did a post about a phobia I have, that apparently a lot of other people have too: Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old. I've been thinking about it a lot because I just turned 17, which really kinda bothers me. 18 is just too close. I'm going to move out, go to college.....I don't want an adult life. I act like I do with all of my school work, but I don't want to be another person, who has a boring office job, and never leaves the town they were born in....I just can't do that. 

Anyway. I made a list of all of the other phobia's I have and I bolded the ones that I think contribute to my Anorexia, can you guy's relate to them? I think they're common with ED's. Here's the link to the phobia website: http://phobialist.com/

Aichmophobia- Fear of Needles/shots

Aracnophobia- fear of spiders

Athazagoraphobia- Fear of Being forgotten, or ignored

Atychiphobia- fear of failure

Bacteriophobia- Fear of bacteria.
Catagelophobia- Fear of being ridiculed. 

Chronophobia- Fear of time. 

Coulrophobia- Fear of clowns.

Decidophobia- Fear of making decisions.

Emetophobia- Fear of vomiting. (Yet I purge) 

Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.    

Menophobia- Fear of having a period

And I just thought this one was funny:

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia- Fear of long words.  

My New Rules

Forbidden foods:
1. Sweets (no point in them- no nutritional value)
2. Bread
3. Dairy products (particularly butter, milk, and especially CHEESE!! NO CHEESE!!! Eggs and are an exception)
4. Pasta
5. Fried food
6. Salt

I will never eat these again. Ever.

Foods I can eat:

-Fruits and Veggies
- eggs (no more than two a day)
- salsa & pickles
- 20 calorie soup
- 4 crackers a day if needed
- gum
-zero calorie lemonaid

At most I can have 200 calories a day. I'm aiming for 20. I will burn off at least 500 calories everyday anyway, plus as many calories I eat. Every time I break a rule I will cut deeply in a very visible spot. That gives a lot more incentive because I don't like people to see the marks. I want to be 90 pounds by June 15th, and if I make it I can get a new piercing.

New rules. I have to get things right this time, or I will end up killing myself.

                                                            I will gladly die for this.

Sorry this post is so boring, I just had to write this down so I can't hide from it. I'm on the edge of a cliff and I have to make this work.

So sorry I haven't updated for a while!!!!

I've just been feeling really awful, I couldn't bare to think too much. Living just hurts lately. I'm always so relieved to fall asleep that I don't want to wake up. I'm afraid I'm going to hurt myself. I don't know how much more I can take of living in dread. I can't weight myself, because the weight hasn't changed and I'll just end up cutting myself because of it. I keep thinking about how I would do it. I think I would take a bunch of pills and go up to the old tree house we used to play at when we were kids. I'd go when the sun was just setting and the peeper frogs were starting to sing. I can't think of anything more peaceful. It's all speculation though. I couldn't do that to my family. To my dad. That's how he lost his mom when he was a kid. At least I can explain why I'm this way, right? It's genetics that screwed me up. I hate it. I'm constantly afraid that he see's her every time he looks at me. A person who caused him so much pain, come back in his daughter to cause the pain all over again. He's such a good guy, I feel guilty for existing and putting him through so much hell. I try not to involve my parents, but it's inevitable.

I've been gone the past week- we went on a cruise to the Bahamas, then we hung out at universal studios and Cocoa beach in Florida. I got such a deep tan that it's still really shocking to look in the mirror. It was nice. I was gone for my birthday, so I was excited that I didn't have a cake to deal with. Not so lucky. They got a huge one to make up for it. Guess what I wished for when I blew out the candles? What I wanted more than anything else? To be 90 pounds. I hate anorexia, I really do. When your life revolves around numbers, and your self worth is in pounds.....I wish I was dead most of the time.

Anyway...moving on. I also want to thank all of you. The fact that some of you read my posts, or are at least there to hear makes things so much easier. I thought when I made this blog that I was just going to be talking to myself, but every time I see a comment it's a relief. I'm not quiet sure how to respond to comments, but I read them and I'll figure it out. I also read everyone's blogs, I'm just such an awkward person with words that sometimes don't comment (afraid I'll make myself sound stupid) but I promise I'll try. Thank you guy's so much for being there.

Feeling Miserable

I can't describe how awful I've felt lately. I mean, Prozac has never let me to feel this way. I'm just not interested in anything. I just want to sleep. I'm cutting more then usual because I feel so awful about everything. The pain in my heart is back. And nothing has happened. Literally, nothing, I eat under 100 calories a day and I haven't lost any weight. I feel almost suicidal. I just don't want to wake up most of the time. Ugh. What's up with me. I want to weight 90 pounds, I only have three weeks to loose ten pounds.

Do you guy's ever feel like you're living a double life? I have really close friends who still think of me as a happy person, a musician, an honor student. That's how they define me. I can't comprehend that, because what would they do if they knew the truth? What if there happy friend turned to them and said: Oh yeah, I have Anorexia Nervosa. And OCD. And I cut myself. A lot. ("my cat" didn't attack me, I don't even have a cat!!!). Last month I didn't go to the movies with you guys because I cut my wrists so deep they thought it was attempted suicide (well, it was) and had to hang out at the hospital. I'm only happy because I'm on some serious anti-depressants. They make fun of EDs and prozac......everything I deal with everyday and they would never suspect. No, not Cal. Never Cal.

I'm sooooo tired right now. So I'm going to go to bed before I ramble on anymore. I'm going to get some posts with actual purpose up soon, promise. I hope you all are well!

Volunteering at the Soup Kitchen and Animal Shelter

Hey guys, Long time no post, sorry.

As I may have mentioned in other posts, I do a lot of volunteer work. My life feels like it's worth nothing. If I died tomorrow it wouldn't matter. So to cope with that I volunteer a lot. My life is worth 5 hours a week at the animal shelter, 3 hours a month at the soup kitchen, a large box of child's shoes for the children suffering from poverty in Guatemala, etc. That's my trying to weigh my life not in pounds, but in hours. It works sometimes. Working at the soup kitchen is life shaking. So many people lines up so they can have a cup of soup and some bread. Some of them you wouldn't even think would go there, and some extremely mentally ill. There were only 6 kids. I thought there were five because there was a little boy helping us serve, but then when we were done he ran over and sat next to his family to have dinner. It's funny, because while they struggle to have enough food, if I was given the dinner they had I would throw it out. Too many calories for me to handle. How sad is that? I felt awful. How much food have I wasted in the past years?

I think the only time I really seriously thought I had to recover was from the animal shelter. We get a lot of dogs from down south that are abused and neglected. The first time I met one was Nemo. He was only about two. His bones were sticking through his skin, it looked horrifying. But if I had seen that look on a human I might had envied them. And he was so scared of us, he wouldn't eat anything. They lied and said he would be fine, they didn't want to upset me. He died a few days later: "He was just too far gone." They said. How long before there saying that about me?

I'm going to be a Honeybee Keeper :)

I'm so excited. We're picking them up on May 20th. All 60,000 little bees. My dad spent this year preparing for them: making the hive and buying a Smoker, ordering our veils. I'm going to be a beekeeper. People don't know much about them really. I have done so much research, and I can honestly say that they are amazing creatures. They live in a perfect little world and I envy them.

A hive of bees will fly 90,000 miles, the equivalent of three orbits around the earth to collect 1 kg of honey. 

Honey bees communicate with one another by "dancing."

Honey is the ONLY food that includes all the substances necessary to sustain  life, including water. 

Honey speeds the healing process and combats infections. Bee stings are commonly used as a strong painkiller that helps people deal with arthritis and other pains.

Honeybees are incredibly intelligent and are born with a natural skill with mathematics.

It would take about 1 ounce of honey to fuel a honeybee's flight around the world.

Honeybees are responsible for approx 80% of all fruit, vegetable and seed crops in the U.S.

Respect the Bee.

 

Got some Green Tea Extract

Took a very long bike ride to the natural food store and back. Hopefully these will have the same effect as the diet pills, I can't wait to see the results.

And Super hero: I'm halfway through "The Philosopher's Apprentice," and it's amazing. Really really good book, I recommend it to everyone.

I had a Dream

I dreamed that I had a special shower, and you set it to the weight you wanted, and you stepped in and the water ran through you and washed away all the fat until you weighed that much. 90 pounds. 90 pounds. 90 pounds.......I think that's the tune my heart beats now I've repeated it in my head so much. 90 90 90 90 90 90 90. Please god, make me 90. I think all of this comes from the fact I've been eating so many handfuls of green tea leaves. I keep imagining them expanding in my stomach and keeping me full. They are working well. I think my blood and insides must be green tea flavored now.

I babysat today- earned 45 dollars, it's going into my "car" fund. I've been looking for used ones online lately. There are three things that I desperately need to save up for: Car, College, and a puppy. Everyone needs a puppy. I babysat this 11-year-old who's 5'1 and 54 pounds. I was so jealous. She sat there eating Nutella sandwiches. I tried not to cry. 

Green tea Diet

So, I created my own version of the "Green Tea Diet." I did some research. Basically I'm going to swallow a spoonful of green tea leaves a day, drink three cups of tea, and take Green tea extract (thanks Superhero, I'm going to go the the natural food store and look for it), and eat 300 calories a day. Plus exercise and all that jazz. I just took my first spoonful of green tea leaves. I just took it with water like I was taking meds or something. It was a really weird sensation. It's all scratchy and weird, I gagged a bit. But so far so good, I'm not nauseous or anything.

Here's the video I found the diet from (Sparksfly on PT gave it to me):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaL03V3YNEE

Came this close to Shoplifting

Dammit. So close. And there were no cameras, I checked, and no one was watching. All I wanted was a five dollar box of green tea diet pills. That's it, five dollars. My parents spend so much money on food from that place. I would have paid for them, I tried, but they card you. You have to be 18. I'm almost 17. Close enough. And the first box I grabbed was empty, SOMEONE HAD ALREADY STOLEN THE PILLS!!!! So I took another one, and I opened it up. So close. I could have just slipped it into my coat pocket and it would have been over. But no. I couldn't do it. Shit. I'm such a loser.

On a Boat

We're going on a Cruise!!!!! I'm so excited! We're going at the end of May. It goes from Florida to: Puerto rico, Beliez, Panama, Antigua, Jamaica, The Dominican Republic, The Bahamas, and a few other Islands that I don't remember, St Thomas was one of them I think. I have to make up a lot of school work before we go, but it's going to be awesome!!!!!! My mom and I are going to a spa before we leave to get haircut/colors, Mani/pedi, waxing, etc. I need to loose ten pounds so I can fit into a 00 Bikini. Ahhhhhhh! :D

My screwed up family- a rant.

My Aunt was here this weekend with her husband (husband number three- we stopped calling them uncle's after the second)- He is such a sketchy dude. I think he might be a child molester, like I'm not joking, I really think it's a possibility. We don't like him, but they are literally the only family we have left, so we put up with it for my aunt. The thing is though, these people are ALWAYS talking about weight and calories and fat, and they KNOW that I have struggled with Anorexia. They know this. Clearly they don't understand it because they always do this to me, and I bite my lip and go cut myself instead of saying anything. Well today Stewart, (my "uncle") was making a peanut butter sandwich. And my mom, just to make conversation said "Oh, Cal makes Peanut butter honey sandwiches, their delicious." (When I was recovering I had to eat those for protein) And he looks at me and say's "If you keep eating those you'll be fat before you know it." And my jaw drops. I was like: "I don't let myself get fat." So my Aunt charms in "Oh that's what everybody says, just you wait, you'll be fat one day." Annnnnnd cue my biggest trigger: Growing up when my mom was always on diets, I used to say that I would always be skinny. She would always respond: "Just you wait, you'll be fat like me one day." (She's not even really fat). So that was a big part of developing my ED. So I just sort of silently went up to my room and started to cry, hoping they didn't notice. Of course my mom did, so she calmly and politely told them that they had to watch what they say around me as to not trigger me. Stewart got angry that she said that to him, and -GET THIS- he went into our backyard and hid in our old treehouse. YES, YOU READ CORRECT a 79-year old retired biology professor hid in our tree house and refused to come down.  What. The. Fuck. Disaster. It got better, but I was glad when they left. I'm no where near recovered. I've been starving myself again for months and they have no clue.

Too Much Sun

I biked for three hours, and went for two long walks today. I ate a little bit more than normal, so I'm just going to make up for that with a laxative, and I'm going to exercise until my heart stops. I always hear people saying that at the gym like it's a bad thing. I think it would be amazing to exercise and have your heart pumping so hard that it stops, you would feel so alive. Peaceful. Like going to sleep after a long day. It's the same thing when people say: "Don't get too much sun." I can never bring myself to understand it. How can you get too much sun. That sounds wonderful to me. To have so much sun that you will be warm forever. To have sunlight spilling out of your pores.

Dizzy

I don't get it. I'm 5'4.5 I weigh about 100 pounds, I eat and average of 200 calories a day. I weigh too much, and eat too much for this to be happening. It was never like this before so why is it so bad now. I keep getting these dizzy spells where the world shifts around and I can't focus my eyes. I keep seeing these colorful dots, like you see when you stare at the sun for too long. Things don't feel quite real. I was walking to the bathroom from mt math class on Friday and it's like my mind went blank. I forgot what class I was in, I forgot where I was. I was just confused and it keeps happening, my mind goes into a dream state. I made a post like this earlier, this is just really freaking me out, I don't know what it wrong.

No one really was paying attention so...

I barely ate anything!!! I had 206 calories, and I biked for two hours, and walked Animal shelter dogs. Burned 1000 calories. My aunts here, it's great to see her again. We don't really have much family....or any family other than her and we only get to see her a couple times a year. I was one of those kids who grew up wishing for a grandparent, or some cousins. I was/am always jealous of my friends who have huge families and totally take it for granted.

I'm having Out of Body Experiences

For the past two weeks or so it's been happening more often than usual. I kinda feel like I'm floating above my body.....it's kinda like I'm awake but I feel like I'm dreaming, I can't distinguish the difference....I was done with all of my School work today, so I went for a 6 mile bike ride (I'm training for a cycling race) and then volunteered at the Animal Shelter. I still have an hour to kill before I have to go warn up my strings for the musical tonight so I'm probably gonna watch Weeds or something. Anyway, it happened again when I was riding my bike and I almost swerved into traffic. Totally freaked me out. I think I'm on the verge of fainting.

I had some strawberry's and honey for breakfast, (skipped lunch) and had a peanut butter toast (so I can hold up my violin tonight). I can't eat anymore today because my aunts staying over for the weekend and everyone is going to be watching to make sure I eat.

woot!!!

Breakfast- 1/2 a pear (25)
Lunch: a Cheese stick (?)
Dinner: Vegetable soup (30)

Yayyyyyy!!!! No Carbs, and under 200 calories! This is such a great week. I dropped two pounds!

I don't know why this made me so happy....

 

But maybe it will make you guy's smile too. :)

I Can

My life isn't on hold, it's just slightly muted.
I'm not going to worry about my parents and friends, they will never know.
I'm not going to worry about the consequences, there won't be any.

Just watch me Ana, I can have complete control and still be an honor student, an Artist, a Musician, an Overachiever. That's all this is anyway. I'm a Dietary overachiever. I can be light as a feather and still be who I am.

Busy Busy Busy

So busy trying to get schoolwork done for the end of the quarter. I'm signing up for summer college courses, and applying for summer jobs- fun fun fun. So excited. I started editing my second novel, so hopefully I'll publish it in 2012-ish. Or at least before I graduate from High School. The Musical premiered last Thursday, and honestly playing for this show is the most fun I've had in a while. I'm thinking that I'm going to apply for the youth orchestra in the city next year, I really love playing in an Orchestra setting. Hmmm. What else. In the past few weeks, I got into a relationship with a friend. Then I broke it off because I wanted him to stay my friend. He didn't take it well as first, but I think things are getting better now. It was sooo stressful though. It hurt him, and that was terrible.

I don't know what happened, but something triggered me- I mean REALLY triggered me. Maybe it was a mix of things, but I'm starting to feel just as motivated as I used to be and I'm trying so hard to hang onto that feeling. I've been lost without it.

Chicken Legs?

So, there is this one girl at my school, and she is SO thin. She doesn't have an ED, I watch her like a hawk (creeper alert) she's just always been that way. SO THIN! Exactly what I'm striving for. In history class they started talking about her. They called her "Chicken Legs," making fun of her because her thighs are the same size as her calf's. How sad is that? People are disgusted by the one thing I want in life.

:'( Somebody hold me please.

I miss my dog.

I mean, We've had her since I was seven, It seems like we have had her forever. We've lost fish. Hamsters...lots of hamsters. But we never thought that Iris would die. I never thought that it would hurt so much. She's just a dog right? December 9th of this year was when we first noticed something was wrong, and they said she wouldn't last til the end of the week. She didn't. We put her down a few day's later. I slept with her on the floor at night so she wouldn't be alone. I took her for her last walk, and I hugged her sobbing until my dad pulled her away to take for her last trip to the vets. She was happy because she was going for a ride. I remember my mom and I crying, and I screamed as I saw her go out the door, and the car drive away. Seems stupid- I know. I didn't know what else to do, it hurt too much. I cried so much, I couldn't eat a thing for weeks....and no one tried to make me. My tears covered everything, especially the little wooden box they put her ashes in that we put downstairs in the basement, on her bed. The house feels so empty. I miss her so much. It was only three and a half months ago...it seems like it's happening right now, again. I've been dreaming about her a lot lately, I wake up thinking I'm petting her. I read this poem, and I burst into tears.

I'M STILL HERE
I stood beside your bed last night
I came to have a peek
I could see that you were crying
You found it hard to sleep
I whined to you softly
As you brushed away a tear
"It's me, I haven't left you,
I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast
I watched you pour the tea
You were thinking of the many times
Your hands reached down to me
I was with you at the shops today
Your arms were getting sore
I longed to take your parcels
I wish I could do more
I was with you at my grave today
You tend it with such care
I want to reassure you
That I'm not lying there
I walked with you toward the house
As you fumbled for your key
I gently put my paw on you
I smiled and said "It's me."
You looked so very tired
And sank into a chair
I tried so hard to let you know
That I was standing there
It's possible for me to be
So near you everyday
To say to you with certainty
"I never went away."
You sat there very quietly
Then you smiled, I think you knew
In the stillness of that evening
I was very close to you.
The day is over...
I smile and watch you yawning
And say "Good night, God bless,
I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right
For you to cross the brief divide
I'll rush across to greet you
And we'll stand side by side
I have so many things to show you
There is so much for you to see
Be patient, live your journey out
And then come home to be with me

                                                         My little yellow Iris-dog.

So Busy

I've been so busy. Barely enough time to eat- except I really have to eat because of all of the things I have to do. I have two hour violin practices for Pit Orchestra everyday after school for the next few weeks. And that's on top of everything else I have to do. Tomorrow I won't get home until 8:30. I have Orchestra for two hours, then right after that I have another violin thing for an hour, then I have to rush back to the high school so that I can be the photographer for my friends fashion show she is running (schoolwide thing, she designed three pieces in it.....), then I have to run up stairs to an Interact (volunteer club) meeting. Then I can go home and do my homework. Bah :P . But it's bothering me because I really have to eat......I have to force myself to. For the past week I've have a veggie wrap everyday for lunch- and it's making me feel sick!! If I don't eat then I don't have enough strength to hold my violin up for hours on end. I know that well enough because of last spring when I fainted at one of my practices. It does burn calories, but I can't stand to loop at the scale. I think I'm only going t eat lunch for the next few weeks. That's not so bad. I feel so awful.

Where Have I been? Let me tell you.

Okay, the past week has been crazy. I've been finishing up a hell of a lot of homework to end the quarter. We've been scheduling classes for next year (senior year)- I think I'm going to end up taking some college classes this summer and next year, which will be fun. I've been getting my group together for Interact (the volunteer club at my High School) because I'm planning a week long trip to volunteer at Camp Sunshine- A summer camp for kids with terminal or life threatening illnesses. I'm really excited, it will be nice to work with them. I got a job at a bakery starting in May (Ironic, the anorexic is going to be surrounded with cupcakes for the next two years of her life). I finally got my passport in the Mail so my family is planning our trip to Mexico!! Woot!! I started doing Zumba with a friend- and I LOVE IT, it's so much fun! I have been practicing for Tennis tryouts that will be held in a few weeks, I'm going for Varsity. And Finally the pit orchestra for the Spring musical "Into the Woods" Started practice on Thursday. I'm violin number 2, so I have about 80 pages to memorize. And I finally go my new violin! I love it so much, it has a beautiful sound. It was nearly $1000 (not too bad for a violin). I'm going to minor in concert violin in college so we figured I could upgrade from my old one now.

                                                                  Here it is:

First purge ever

About ten minutes ago, I purged for the first time. I have tried to for SO long but it never worked. Today I really ruined a day that was supposed to be a fasting day, and I felt horrible. Too full, very sick. So I drank 3 glasses of ice water and then I sorta...I don't know how to explain it, swallowed my finger? It worked. So weird, because I hate throwing up. When I was a kid I would do anything to avoid throwing up when I was sick. I feel amazing! My stomach doesn't hurt anymore, it's empty, I feel like I was given a shot of caffeine. I feel so powerful and in control- I love it! On one hand I know that it is a horrible thing to get into....but I feel so great about it.

Gerascophobia

The fear of aging. I'm terrified of growing older. I want to stay 16, god, I don't even want to be sixteen, I want to be a little kid again. I miss not having to worry. I feel like I'm wasting my "childhood" feeling horrible all of the time. Things are moving too fast, I just want life to slow down for a bit so I can take a breath. Next year I'm a senior, then college...I'm not ready for that! I don't want to be legally an adult.  And for some reason I was never able to picture myself as one. Maybe I'm meant to die young.

Went to buy diet pills: Fail.

I asked my friend to take me to CVS after school to buy some diet pills (for a science "experiment" *wink*). I wanted to get the green tea fat burning pills because I have been reading about them and they're supposed to work great. I thought I wouldn't get carded because they were supplements- but it didn't work. I thought I had gotten away with it until the lady was like: "ID please." :(
I was so excited to get them. I don't know what to do now. Ugh. Anyone know of diet pills that you won't get carded for?

Gained? How? WTF????

I started at 101. I starved For a day, weighed myself, and I weighed 102. I starved myself a second day and went to the gym to burn off 500 calories (I wanted to burn 1000 but I almost fainted). I weigh myself this morning: 103 pounds!! I am freaking out! What is wrong with me? How can that happen- is it the Prozac? It's never happened before! I'm so sad right now, I don't know what to do about this. I wish my mom still had those diet pills, I could really use them right now. 

Ivonne Thein

I love her work. I was just looking through her 32-kilos album- I wish that these weren't photo shopped- they are so beautiful! All of her photography is wonderful. She does mostly portraits, and I love the way she portrays people. It's very thought provoking. One of her other shoots, "Icons" is my favorite. She blurs the photo so that the faces are not completely visible....I love her work. Sorry for the random photography tangent (one of my hobbies, maybe sometime I'll post my photo website. I just finished a gallery showing in January so that was fun)- it's just an epic Thinspo.
http://www.ivonnethein.com/en/art1_1.html

                                                                   I want to be her! :(

Has Eaten nothing today!

Yay! I'm so glad! I feel so good, you know that empty light feeling? I am loving it! I'm still too scared to step on the scale though. If it goes up I'll be upset. If it stays the same I'll be upset. I don't think it's gone down at all, so I don't know. I'm thinking I'll try it on Wednesday.

Movie Night

Going to a friends house tonight, we're having a movie night. I have to make brownies soon for them. Gah. Everyone is going to expect me to eat pizza. I've already eaten way too much today. My dad was home so he made me eat veggie bacon (80 calories) and waffles (gag) and a veggie wrap. I kinda want to bang my head against the wall. Things will be easier when I go back to school. At least them I can skip breakfast and lunch without my parents bothering me. I started looking through my old records today (I collect them and just got a bunch more) and found Bryan Adams, Heart, INXS, and Fleetwood Mac. Win!

The guy that I've loved for a year...

Wow. I think I'm shocked. I don't know what else to do...so I thought I'd make a post. There's this guy: Mat, I've liked him so much for over a year now... So so very much. He's the only guy friend I've trusted with telling him about my anorexia, he's helps so much, I just love him. He's such a great person, I love being with him, we're great friends. He never knew that I liked him. I was the only person that he told who he really liked to, he's loved one of my close friends for years (Jen). They're best friends, and have been for so long. I tried so hard to not care about him. I tried so much, but no matter how many flaws I found it didn't matter, I still liked him all the more for it. I can't help it. Today I was hanging out with Jen, and she told me that she really liked Mat. They both like each other, and they're perfect for one another.... So I told her that he felt the same way and that they should talk to each other about it. So, she said they were going to get together tonight for dinner and talk about their feelings. As much as I like him, as much as it hurts.......I am so happy for them! I am so excited. I want them to be together, because I know how happy that will make him, and I really want him to be happy. Which is so weird. How can I feel both terrible and wonderful about something like this? It doesn't make any sense.

Happy Day

I've had some fruit (30 calories), a veggie dog (45 calories) with salsa (5 calories), and a spoonful of peanut butter (I don't want to think about it) and I'm done for the day- I'm doing a work out tape then I'm going to go volunteer at the animal shelter and finish some homework. Not bad. No carbs. Ever again. That's my plan.

100 calories burned per 5 minutes running up and down the stairs, 136 calories burned for every 8 glasses of ice water.... I think I'm going to concentrate on these to burn off the peanut butter.  God, I scare myself sometimes. After a while of obsession about weight loss, you start to notice that your mind just memorizes all these things. In recovery (to piss my doctor Jane off- I really hated her) I was frustrated because I wanted to know exactly how many calories a "normal person" needs to function without gaining weight. They wouldn't tell be anything, so in return I wanted to show them that they didn't need to tell me anything for my to know how many calories they were forcing into my mouth. So when I was eating I recited everything from memory as I ate "Banana is 110,  Scrambled eggs is 200, calories in whole milk 149 per cup..." Ha, the doctors didn't find it funny like the rest of us did. I mean, we all already knew this stuff, we ended up having a discussion about it. But Jane was like: "It's really twisted that you guy's know this by heart, this is something you need to work through." Ehh, whatever.

BDD and me

Body Dysmorphic disorder. Do I have it? Yeah probably, I just don't think of it like that. I don't think that my vision changes. I see what's really there. By hospital standard I am underweight. I see fat fat fat fat. But I think that my standards are just higher then "healthy" people. What they think is thin, and what I think is thin are completely different. My biggest issue is my thighs. No one can convince my that my thighs aren't ginormous. They just can't.

Too little too much :(

So, in my IB Biology class we were talking about healthy eating....Yeah, it was a little awkward when she starting talking about anorexia, but anyway. Mrs. N was like: "It shouldn't be so hard for people to eat healthy. I love Applebee's, they put the number of calories in each dinner on the menu: Some of them are as low as 500 calories!!!" Back up there. My jaw dropped open, I was horrified. They think that 500 is LOW CALORIE? I think that 100 is way to many. I consider anything under 50 as low calorie. Like, really? Is my perception that messed up? If I eat 500 calories I feel horrible, and I consider the day to be a complete fail. I can't loose weight the normal way like everyone else. They talk about eating 1200 calories a day and loosing weight, that doesn't work for me. I gain if I eat that much, the only way I loose is if I eat less then 200. I think I'm at a plateau- my weight just won't change.....500? Are they crazy?

Woot!

Got mah water bottle. Got mah Mint Orbit gum. Got mah trusty-pain-inducing green rubber band around my wrist. I'm ready to go.

Did some blog editing...

Hope I haven't given anyone whiplash. I've changed things around three times in the past day. :P Sorry, it will stay like this for a while now.

UNBELIEVEABLE! Brothers are from HELL!

I have to rant about this, I'm trying not to kill my little brother (he's 14- not that little). He is a total video/computer game geek. He has it in his head that eveytime anyone is using a laptop in our house it makes his games go slow, so he's been yelling at everyone all day to get off the internet so he could play COD. Everytime he leaves his room he reminds us not to touch his controls or turn off his computer because it will mess up his game. I always respond: "Neil, I promise I'll never touch it, why would I?" I thought I was being repectful.

SO, for the past three hours everytime I left my laptop and went to get something or whatever, I came back and it was off. I was seriously freaked, I thought that my $1,000 MacBook Pro was broken. Finally I get back one time and the screen is also shut and I figure out that he had probably done it. Then I run into Neil's room and yell at him because he shut down everything I had been working on (including an essay I hadn't saved, FML). And his laptop was taken away. It took me twenty minutes later to connect all of the dots and realize that there was nothing wrong with my Laptop, every time I left the room he would run in and turn it off!!!!! WTF??? SO PISSED right now! He's such a selfish douche-bag. His entire life is those stupid games. So what am I going to do next time he leaves his room and leaves his computer and PS3 on? Yep, that's right. An eye for an eye. He's going down.

Fasting Today

My parents are gone all day!!! XD So no food will pass my lips. I'm going to finish all of my homework, practice my violin pieces for the upcoming show, and go volunteer at the animal shelter for a few hours. I have a whole "To do" list written up, I'm going to be way to busy to eat. It'll be wonderful.

lol my experience with the Salt Water Flush

Okay, so one day after getting out of "Recovery" I decided that I needed to purify my body and start over via the salt water flush (a laxative), so one day when I knew my mom would be at my brothers baseball game all day, I got on my bike and I rode to the local market to buy sea salt. Now, when I was mixing my two large glasses of water with the salt I somehow forgot that there was a certain amount that needed to be put in. Instead of measuring it out like a normal person I just kept putting spoonful after spoonful in until in was completely filled with the stuff, Then I downed one of the glasses and a small part of the other before I just couldn't take it anymore. I think -other then taking a gazillion chocolate laxatives and getting really sick from it- this was the most painfully stupid thing I have done for my ED. It was horrible. I was so sick. When my mom came home and found me shaking on the bathroom floor she had to call poison control because there was something wrong with my blood. To this day even looking at a can of Sea salt makes my nauseous. I wouldn't do that again for anything. As I'm writing this I feel awful because I tasted a spoonful of soup hat my mom had made with sea salt in it- it was an accident but I knew right away she had used it. Eeeeeewwwwwwwww. :( So naturally I blogged about it. I'm going to go wash my mouth out with mouthwash a few million times now in hopes that it will make this less awful. See ya.

Watched Black Swan Free Online

Okay, I was going to go see it with a friend on Sunday but I got impatient and watched it online... Wow, it was good, I'll give it that. But it wasn't..... I don't know, I wasn't very shocked, I could tell what was real and what wasn't...well until the very end. I thought they could have done a lot more to make the end more shocking. I don't know. It was really good, and definitely worth watching, Natalie Portman is just amazing. And it is SUCH a thinspo guys!

If any of you haven't watched it and really want to, here is the link to watch it on fastpass. You don't have to download anything. Under the heading "links" click the "watch this video" button next to WiseVid. Then click the giant "Continue to video button" on the next page. Then Click "yes let me watch" (it's rated R so they have to mark it as Mature content), then there will be a page with a video screen and an advertisement will pop up, so just hit "close to play. And voila. There you have Black Swan. There will also be a lot of pop up adds that you just delete... no big deal, no viruses or anything, it's just kinda complicated. Actually I'm not sure how it is legal. I could have watched it free online the day it came out if I had had time to do so. Fastpass is that amazing.

http://www.fastpasstv.com/movies/black-swan-2010/

Riding in a police car to the hospital

Okay guys, yesterday was the worst day ever! It was so bad! Let me first say in case any of you didn't know this- when you call 911 the police will come, even if you hang up. I wasn't aware of this. See, because I got my wisdom teeth out I didn't take my prozac (anti-depressants) for a week and a half. I just stopped cold turkey. On Wednesday I was told that I hadn't gotten a scholarship that I had tried really hard to get (I worked so hard, and I got second- so if the winner decides that they can't have it they can give it to me). And I was sad, but I was really pissed off when I found out who had won it- because she's a jerk. And I ended up cutting myself- first time in a LONG time. The next day I made the mistake of telling my guidance counselor at school this. She was like "OMG OMG you have to tell your mom, I'll call her tomorrow to make sure you did." :( So I came home after working at the soup kitchen for hours, and I was tired, and I told my mom. She knows that I was a cutter, but she freaked and made the mistake of telling my dad, who doesn't know how to deal with thing like this. He started screaming at me, telling me that I was an immature idiot and that I should be smart enough to just stop. My mom was like: "I don't want her anymore, I don't want to go through this again. I want her locked up!" This was said in a moment of anger. My mom to be honest should never have been a mother. She likes little kids, but she has no clue how to handle anything. In a moment of crisis I have always had to be the one to step up to the plate and take charge. She couldn't understand that all I needed to calm down was for people to stop screaming at me and...I don't know, a group hug. So I told them that I needed to go to the crisis center and talk to someone. They refused, and my dad dragged me to my room by my hair and threw me on the floor (we're not a terrible family, we all just have horrible coping skills. So I was desperate and I didn't know what to do, and I took my cell phone out and called 911. And I freaked out because they said they had to send people, so I was blubbering to the poor 911 dude about how I didn't want them to come here, and that I just wanted to watch Glee and go to bed, and that I couldn't go to the hospital because I had school the next day....and I kept telling him to tell them to turn off their freaking sirens because they were scaring me. lol, we live in a quiet town, I could hear them coming. So they came and the nice police lady said that she had to take me to the emergency room. She wanted me to sit in the back of the police car so I turned to her and said "Your kidding right? You want me to ride in the cage?" She must have realized that there was no way in hell because she let me sit up front- first person to sit in the passenger seat ever, woot! So I went to the hospital, was bothered by a lot of doctors, took a nap. In the end they told me I could leave because the crisis team wouldn't get there until 11:00 and my mom said we weren't going to wait. But the ER is no joke!! There was a lady giving birth in one of the rooms and she was screaming so loud, and this girl who had gotten in an accident so she was all tied down. And there I was all huddled in the corner all horrified.

And that concludes my horrible day... On the bright side I got to skip dinner no problem. But really it got me thinking about my parents. They're not going to take much more of this. They're just going to give up on me and not care anymore, and I don't want it to get to that point! I don't want to hurt them. I;m convinced  that my dad hates me and that my brother thinks I'm and weirdo and is embarrassed to call me his sister. But I can't stop! I can't be hospitalized again. I'm not getting weighed in anymore so maybe no one will notice when I hit 90 pounds? Gah.

Guilt- Get it off of your shoulders

I'm sure all of you have done something for your ED that's made you feel so so so guilty right? Maybe for wasting food or lying to your parents? I hate lying to mine, I feel awful that I've put them through so much trouble and pain. A week or so after getting out of the hospital I decided that there was no way I could live without knowing my weight. I needed a scale- I was going insane. So one day I pretended that I was going to go volunteer at the local library after school (I use to volunteer there a lot). Instead I walked into town to CVS and I bought a scale using my lunch money. I hid it under my bed and they never found it. I relapsed and started loosing a lot of weight again, and they couldn't figure out how I was doing it. They decided that I probably found a way to weigh myself at school. It didn't even cross my mind that I would so blatantly disregard their trust. Every time I look at that scale I feel horrible about it. I have no way of getting rid of it, but I live everyday in terror that they will find it. I don't deserve for them to care about me. I don't deserve anything.

10 CALORIE NOODLES!!

I'm back, and I feel so much better! I had 300 calories today- which is a lot, but I'm going to the gym today and I usually burn about 1000 calories... SO, tomorrow is going to be a weigh in *Fingers crossed.*

I've been meaning to show you guy's this website: http://caloriecount.about.com
It's completely amazing. It tells you the number of calories in everything, calories burned in every activity, how long it will take you to loose weight, etc. Just seeing my calories on a meter on screen made me do better, so I'm definitely getting back to the site.

ALSO, I recently found out about this magical food. Shirataki Noodles have only 10 CALORIES!!! I'm amazed. I'm going to a local Asian market today to buy a bunch, I'll keep you guy's posted about how they are, and the recipes I use them with.

My Favorite "Thinspo" Pictures. Just because I feel so aweful, and this makes me feel....well, worse...

Well.....update I guess

On why I haven't updated recently. I got my wisdom teeth out the week before last. It went okay at first but I ended up getting dry sockets (really painful) and they put this really gross stuff on my teeth... it's just really really bad. I've been eating a lot to try to get the taste to go away (I'm that desperate) it makes me feel so so so sick. Disgusting. And in turn- eating makes me hate life, so I've been cutting :( . I'm struggling to stay up to speed in school, but that's getting hard. Blah. I so sorry I haven't done any posts! And this one is lame! I will get back to one a day once I start feeling better. And then I can finally start eating 60 calories again.

Spa at Home

I had to show you guy's this website, it's wonderful! As a Junior in high school, I don't exactly have a load of money to treat myself. I found this awesome website that has easy to make spa treatments at home. I did an avocado-lemon mask, a hair shiner, and I took a green tea bath. Check it out guys- It's one more step on the road to being perfect both in body and mind.

http://www.spaindex.com/HomeSpa/HomeSpa.htm

So, what do you think? Next goal weight reached, schedule a relaxing day, fill the bathtub and light some candles. You guy's deserve it.

Doll Face

(Clicky!) ---> Doll Face

A story of a Doll that wants to be beautiful. This video always makes me cry. Please watch it and tell me what you think guys. I really think that this is a great outlook on the way society is today. The Media forces people to change and strive to be something they're not- until it's too much and they break. I feel like I'm heading in the same direction. Striving until I break and have nothing left.

Here's the thing.

When I eat, I want to die.

When I don't eat I feel like a tired weakling.

When I weigh myself I want to die.

If I don't weigh myself I want to die.

If I loose weight I get closer and closer to winning.

No matter how much I try, I will never loose enough. I always loose.

Anorexia is a double sided knife. Anorexia is the only thing that will make me happy. And I can never be happy. Why would people think that I chose this for myself? I feel so old at sixteen. Old. I don't want to ever age. I've wasted so much time suffering with this, and it will never go away. I want to be a little kid again. I don't want to think. I want Ana to go away and never come. But I can't live with out her.

Eating Disorder Movies

Hey guys!
Lately I've been hearing of people who are looking for more Anorexia movies. I spent a lot of time in the past year watching most that the internet has to offer (youtube basically has all of them so it wasn't much of a trouble) so I'm going to post my favorites and links to them. A mostly all of the ED movies I have found are older films and are either bad quality, or a really lame script so I'm not going to bother mentioning those. The first three are about teenagers. These are the ones that I have enoyed:


A Secret Between Friends: A story of two friends who play volleyball. They both have some family issues...and they both want to loose weight. Jen is Bulimic, and Lexi becomes Anorexic. It was okay, deffinately worth watching, but not the best. The script is a little cheesy at some parts but it was mostly realistic. My biggest problem with this movie was it didn't portray her loosing any weight. She looked the same through the whole thing even though she was "dying." I think I mostly loved this movie because it was literally the "story of my life." Last year my best friend was Bulimic for a while, and I shared my Anorexia with her. Her Bulimia turned out to be a lame phase and she got over it though (Wannabe). Anyway, great movie:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7VmB6phCtc

Sharing the Secret: This was a story about a Bulimic named Beth. I really loved this one, even though I am not Bulimic. It was a great movie and I thought that it was really realistic.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U5JuwfuLbRg

Perfect Body: A teenage gymnast named Andie is on a climb to the top. She wants the Olympics and her parents are willing to help her do what she needs to be the best- but the pressure begins to be too much for her- she develops anorexia. This was a great story. It was a great look into the life of a competitive sport and the real pressures that athletes are under. Also I liked it because it looked like Andie lost weight- you could actually see progress and her becoming very thin- that's hard to do in a movie.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3EHb7k_Bp4

For the love of Nancy: I didn't watch the whole thing because the script was lame and I was bored with the oldness. But it was generally okay:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q4OFxW3AN2M

Thin: This is a documentary fallowing the lives of a group of young adults (and one teenage girl) in ED treatment. It was a recovery movie, but I still liked watching it and listening to them talk.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZm2g9FLrGA

I'm a Child Anorexic:  Title says it all. Good. Modern
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlPnvBsOBRc

Dying to be Anorexic: Fallows the lives of three Pro-ana girls. Great! Modern! Loved it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VlPnvBsOBRc


Skinny Kids: Documentary, about small children developing anorexia. Eh. Good. It also shows a child anorexic rehab center in England that's really awesome (hot tub) I mean really. At least their going someplace awesome, when I get sent to rehab I get shoved into a gross room in the top floor of a four story hospital and force fed by nurses.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bsD1Fpup3vc

'kay, that is all for today lovelies. Enjoy!

I got a jucier!!

Oh my god I love it so much!!!! I just made watermelon/Cantaloupe/Kiwi juice and it was delicious! It's really low cal and so healthy too- I think I'm going to alter my diet slightly so I'll have fresh juice for breakfast and with my veggie dog for dinner. So worth it.

Juciers -I got the Jack Lalanne one on page two, but there are a lot of cheaper ones too.


"give your body an instant boost of nutrients, enzymes, vitamins and minerals"
It just goes right through you, I can't imagine how much weight I could loose if I just drank juice.

Loopy from Wisdm teeth

Sorry I didn't post yesterday guys! I was so out of it. Because of being underweight it really affected me. I don't remember anything about after the operation until I got home. I couldn't even walk because the medicine killed my leg muscles! When they were trying to wake me up they kept saying: "Can you see your dad? Can you see his face?" And I finally said "Big nose." And fell asleep again. I also kept waking up randomly and saying "say thank you to everyone!" I guess I was very grateful? lol. So that's my Wisdom teeth story. Other than that I've just been sitting around watching psych and doctor who and trying not to think about all of the blood in my mouth.

Chewing and Spiting......Gross I know

But I thought I would put it out there. It's been really helpful for me because I can't purge. I can taste it and chew chew chew....and then, you know spit it out in a paper towel. It's like skipping the throwing up part of purging....haha, this is such a random post: "Hey guys, spit!" I'm just happy because it saved me from a binge. Opinions? Have you guy's ever done this?

Where are my teeth!!?!?!? Oh yeah, the dentist took them. Happy Chinese New Year btw!

First day of my 65 calorie diet is a WIN! So proud guys. So proud. I'm missing school tomorrow (woot! No IB BIO!) cuz' I'm getting my wisdom teeth out. I was so freaked out about this, just because I'm sick of doctors messing with my teeth. They said they would back off once the braces were gone. Liars. Now I'm actually really excited, I have an excuse to fast for the whole weekend. Bring on the Novocaine!

Happy Chinese New year! :D I'm not Asian but I take an online Chinese course so one of our assignments is to celebrate- and I think you guy's should too! Chinese New Year is based on the idea of cleansing bad omens away and being clear and clean for the New Year. I spent all of yesterday cleaning the whole house (there is not a speck of dust in my room now) and drinking just water and green tea- AND IT FELT SO GREAT! I feel purified.

"Do you do it for the guys?" No. No I don't.

Only a few of my close friends know about my eating disorder. I think maybe five outside of my family and they've known for about a year. But the thing is, I kinda wish that they didn't know now, because people who don't have this disease have no idea what it's like. I was talking to my friend Ann today at lunch and she asked how things were going with my ED, and I was like. "Ok I guess." (she thinks I'm still trying to recover) "I think I may have lost a little weight but I don't think it's enough to be hospitalized again." And she was like: "Why do you do it? Is it for the guys? Because it really isn't attractive." I wanted to slap her!!! What the hell, no that isn't why I stave myself!! Sure, I think my life would be better if I was extremely underweight, that includes my love life, but that isn't even close to why I do it. I tried to explain that it is my coping mechanism, I put all of my effort into it so I don't have to deal with other problems. I am addicted to it, it's a mental disorder not my choice. And she say's: "Well, can't you just stop?" ..... :[ ..... Need I continue? This same friend also pointed out that I'm "totally not the type to have anorexia" I'm just too normal and smart and put together. News flash sweetie, eating disorders don't discriminate. Gah. I guess that just gets to me. I mean honestly, doesn't it get to you guy's when people do that? My friends who don't know about my ED are always joke: "anorexic airheads" and "She's so gross I bet she's Bulimic."

My new plan!

I had a huge panic attack last night, I was so disgusted with my body. I need to get under 100 pounds, I've been trapped at 101 for weeks. SO, new plan. Starting tomorrow- my parents watch me, and it's a snow day so I can't get out of eating almost every meal :(.  -February 3rd.  I will be 95 pounds by  February 11, and I will be 90 pounds by the 25th. I want to go down to about 88 pounds to be safe, and then I will start working my way up to 800 calories to maintain. Here is my menu:

Breakfast: Tea (Green tea), gum
Lunch: Gum (basically, I can have as much gum as needed)
Snack: Tea, Gum, 2 pickles- 5 calories each
Dinner: (This must be around 5-6 pm) 1 veggie dog- NO BUN- w/fresh salsa and mustard- 50 calories
After dinner- Tea, gum

All together this is a 60 calorie day. *crosses fingers* This is very little. The least I've been able to do is 100 calories a day, but for some reason this magical thing happened- I don't get hungry anymore. So this should be good. :)

This Song expresses exactly my relationship with Anorexia

Sixpence none the richer- Breath your name

Seriously guys, listen too it...The lyrics....they just fit. Ignore the creepy music video.

"You move my mind from behind the wheel, when I loose control I can only breathe your name."

Giant Snow storm....

Giant snow storm tomorrow. We're supposed to get over two feet. Snow dayyy!! :D Hopefully I'll be fasting tomorrow, I'll just curl up with a book and "forget" to eat. I'm started to feel the pressure. We're going to Mexico in May, so Bathing suits are required. 

Thin to me, and thin to everyone else

To me this is just the obvious thing to strive for. Right? This is the biggest problem. It's a conflict between, do I was to look good to me and have everyone else think I look "disgustingly thin," or do I want to look good to everyone else and when I look in the mirror think I look morbidly obese? It's not much of a choice because it's so hard to stop anyway.

Skiing today!!!

400 calories per hour!!! Thank god because my dad said he is going to force a bagel down my throat. :P

Hmmm...I can't loose weight.

I think I might have hit a plateau or something. I think after so much time my metabolism must have packed it's bags, because I'm not loosing ANYTHING. So, in turn I've been forcing myself to eat semi normally this weekend....and you know, it's really sad. Because where "eating normally" used to come easily a few years ago, I just can't bring myself to do it! I just don't want to eat, I would pick up a piece of bread and just be like: "Uh...no I don't need it" I guess this is the point when you know you're really sick.

Heyy

Hey guys, basically this is my outlook on my life and how Anorexia has effected it, and in someways ruined it. I don't know when this will end, but even when it does, nothing will ever be the same again. I have had Anorexia Nervosa for almost two years now. It started as a coping mechanism, something I could focus on during a hard family time, and it developed into an addiction that I couldn't control on my own, and I was hospitalized. I don't know if this is a recovery blog or a relapse blog, my mood changes from time to time. But anyway, this is my life. I am going to write nothing more or less then exactly what it is like to live day by day with an Eating disorder.

So, first post. Let's see how this goes shall we?

Height: 5'5
CW: 101 pounds
Goal Weight: 95